From Checking Boxes to Real Change: Signs of Growth in an RTC
In this episode, our guest alumni parent/daughter, Becky and Katie, discuss the emotional realities of arriving at residential treatment. They explore the transition from the first day of drop-off to the breakthrough moments of vulnerability and internal growth. This conversation offers essential insights for families on maintaining connection and prioritizing self-care during the early stages of the healing process.
We invite you to listen to the full episode for even more insights from Becky and Katie’s journey. If your family is navigating a similar path and you need further support or guidance, please don’t hesitate to reach out to us at 855-667-9388. We are here to help you every step of the way.
Introduction to Treatment Experiences
Tiffany: Welcome back to episode two. In this episode, we will be talking about what actually happens when your child arrives at treatment and how families survive the early days. Please remember that this podcast is not a substitute for therapy. Always consult a licensed mental health professional regarding your family's specific needs. Let's begin.
Becky and Katie, thank you so much. Welcome back. We're excited to have you here to hear the story of what it was like once you entered treatment. So let's begin. Becky, first of all, what was it like for you to drop off your daughter?
Becky: It was a bittersweet day when we dropped off our daughter. I felt like the time started to get real; the program, the choice, and the decision were no longer just an idea or a conversation. It was becoming real. It was very bittersweet because I didn't know how I would feel going back home without her. I knew that would be hard. I also knew that she was in good hands and that it was a healthy choice for her. It was really my love for her that allowed me to drop her off, but it was very hard. There was a lot of crying that day, a lot of anticipation, and a feeling that every moment we got closer to leaving once we were there was just really difficult.
Tiffany: I can only imagine. As a parent, dropping off your child and knowing that love is the reason you're doing it just makes it 10, 20, or a thousand times harder.
Katie: Yeah, I can definitely say there are a lot of tears on that long road in the middle of nowhere leading up to DRS. Every single time we went up or down that road, there were tears.
Tiffany: I bet.
Katie: Every single time.
Tiffany: Did you ever have thoughts that you would try to run away? I think that's why a lot of parents have to use a transportation service, because they're worried about their children being impulsive and wanting to run.
Katie: I think during the transition from being at home to arriving at DRS and getting settled in, I was in almost a honeymoon stage. I thought, "Oh, I'm stepping into this new thing with a lot of new people, and it's going to be this fun place where I get to work with animals," and all that kind of stuff. I hadn't quite processed that I was about to get into the deepest, darkest parts of myself. I was in such a transitioning state that I didn't even think running away was a possibility.
Tiffany: I'm sure. You were in a honeymoon period and you had chosen to go to DRS, so you were probably a little bit excited about it, right?
Katie: Yeah. It is crazy to say, but a little bit, yeah.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Katie: I was like, "Oh, this is a new thing I get to do." It was like a check off my bingo card.
Onboarding Process Insights
Tiffany: Yeah. So what was the onboarding like for both of you when you got to Discovery Ranch South?
Becky: I’m going to say that part of the reason the drop-off was even more successful than other times was because we were able to visit beforehand. We came out for a site visit, and I believe that is an important part of the process. It allowed us and Katie to meet the staff and see the environment. It didn't hurt that it was September, which is one of the more beautiful times of the year there; it’s lovely at that time with sunny blue skies and mild temperatures. Visiting first gave all of us a level of security and the feeling that we knew what we were getting into. The actual day that we had to do the onboarding and leave was a bit easier because of that pre-visit. Videos and other things just don’t do it justice, so I recommend the idea of spending the time and effort to visit prior.
Again, it is a luxury to have your daughter be part of the decision process, and that’s a luxury some people don’t have if they don't include their child in the process. From our perspective, onboarding was really smooth. It was very handled, very organized, and we weren't rushed. I feel like we had as much time as we needed to say goodbye in a meaningful way. As Katie mentioned, we were given as much family privacy and support as we needed during that process. It felt like a flexible, organized, non-rushed way to be able to onboard.
Tiffany: So it helped that you guys were able to go and tour the facility? You had a good impression of the facility, you felt comfortable with the people you met, and it really is a beautiful campus. I love Southern Utah; it is so breathtaking.
Katie: Absolutely.
Tiffany: I think that's important for our listeners to hear. Some parents don't have the time or the luxury because they're in crisis and need to act quickly, or perhaps due to financial reasons. But if you can, it definitely helps allow for a smoother transition when you go to drop off your child.
Katie: Even if it's just the parents who go and not the kids, that's also so important. I think it eases the parents' minds a little bit.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Katie: Then you're able to tell your child, "No, we didn't just send you somewhere blindly; we made sure it was a place where we felt comfortable with you going."
Tiffany: Yeah. It's one thing to see it on the website, in videos, and in pictures, but it's another thing to meet the actual people who are going to be taking care of your child. That's where the true trust comes from with these programs- meeting the people, being there in person, and seeing it.
Navigating Doubts and Emotions
Tiffany: Becky, were there times that you had doubts, and if so, how did you work through those?
Becky: Yes, of course. You are always doubting what you've decided. As Katie spent more time at the ranch, she realized it wasn't summer camp and that she was going to have to work hard. Her voice became louder and louder the longer she was there. I would say there was a bell curve; her voice ramped up to a crescendo probably about midway through the program.
It is hard- you have to be very steady and avoid letting your emotions take over. I coped with that through the family therapy sessions, getting to see her, and writing letters to communicate. I also spent that whole year having my own therapy to help me navigate this, because it was definitely really hard.
I think both my own therapy and the support we received through the program helped me. I also coped by coming out to visit her one time more than was prescribed. I knew at the time it would give her the energy to stay focused and keep going. As I mentioned, once she got through that bell curve and saw how she was going to help herself- which was about six months into the program- I came to take her for the weekend. We had a nice, very relaxed weekend without a lot of expectations. It gave her the energy and a pep talk to realize she was so close.
Being able to see her when she was struggling helped too. Even though it wasn't necessarily sanctioned, I think it gave her the feeling that she still had a connection with her parent that went beyond the program. We were still a team; we were still a family. Reassuring her through that action gave her the confidence that she wasn't in this alone and that it was mother-daughter against the world. Those were just some tactics I used to get through it.
Tiffany: I just want to say, first off, I love that you mentioned taking care of yourself. Getting your own therapy and managing your own needs once your daughter is safe is so important. I think parents can experience a kind of let-down once the child is away. It becomes a question of "now what?" That is when you can start picking up your own pieces, because you finally can. Your child is safe, so you can look at your own trauma and the crisis you just went through to figure out how to put yourself back together so you can show up for your daughter.
Secondly, I love that you recognized it wasn't just sending your daughter away to "go get fixed." You saw the need to show up for family therapy and come out to visit. It is the parents' responsibility to do the work just as much as the child's. I love that you pointed out those two pieces.
What were you going to say?
The Power of Communication & Unique Connections
Katie: I think two things she mentioned, like writing letters and all that, are so important. As the kid, that is vital whether you are at the beginning and have no privileges, or you are at the end of the program and can call every day. Sending little packages or letters is important because of the show of effort. You are sitting down and writing me a letter that comes through the mail. Even a little package with stickers or something small shows thoughtfulness. It proves your parents didn't just drop you off to take a year-long break from you; they are thinking about you. It gives you something to look forward to in a place where every day looks the same.
I feel the same way about the "unsanctioned visit." It is important to do small things that are different from what the other kids are doing. If you are on the exact same program doing the same thing as everyone else, you feel like you are falling into a sea of kids. If a parent occasionally does something special- whether during a parent seminar or a visit where they take you somewhere fun- it makes the kid feel unique. When you go into programs like this, I know I felt like I was disappearing a little bit. Making your kid feel cared about and showing that effort is being put into them is so important.
Tiffany: That makes a lot of sense. Did it help when your mom or dad showed up to family therapy and talked about their own hard stuff? Did that show you that your parents were in this with you?
Katie: Absolutely. It took a little blame off my shoulders. Very often you hear that it is all your fault and all your problems. Hearing my parents say, "I've been really struggling with this, and I think it reflected onto you in this way," was very helpful. It helped me realize I wasn't the only one in the wrong and that there was a distributed effect. It was good knowing they were involved instead of it just being me, or me and the therapist, talking.
Tiffany: Right, like you're the only problem. That’s the amazing thing about family therapy; it’s a system problem. We all affect each other, and we have to look at fixing the system versus just one person in order for things to really change.
Now, you mentioned that you originally thought the program was only going to be four months. You probably went through a honeymoon period where everything was great- playing with horses on a beautiful campus- thinking you'd go home in a couple of months. When did that honeymoon period end, and what was that like for you?
Katie: For me, it was definitely toward the six-month mark when I was putting effort into reaching Phase Three. I moved through Phase One and Phase Two very quickly because I wasn't refusing and I wasn't being dangerous. I was following the regimen and moving fast. Up until I got to Phase Two, I thought, "Oh, this might actually be easy; I might just get out of here."
Then came Phase Three, and I felt like I got beaten down until I had to pull myself back up. I hit a brick wall. I felt like I was doing what I could and putting in the effort, but I hit a breaking point. That was right before my mom came to visit. I felt like I wanted to give up. I felt like people had it out for me, that I couldn't succeed, and that suddenly I wasn't doing well anymore. I didn't feel heard; I felt invisible. That is when I got louder, because if I wasn't going to be heard while being "good," I was going to make them hear me no matter what. I didn't want to be ignored while the "problem kids" got all the attention and their actions resulted in consequences for all of us.
That was finally the time my shell broke. I was vulnerable, I wanted to give up, and I was ready to stop pushing. That is why her visit was so important. I felt like my mom saw me and really cared. It gave me a full mental reset to be off-campus, out from under constant supervision, and able to take a breath. My mom told me I had this, and I went back with a refreshed mentality. That is when I started moving forward again. Every kid gets stuck eventually; it’s just a matter of how we help them move forward. If a parent doesn't have the resources to do exactly what my mom did, they can go to the therapist and say, "This is what I see in my kid. She needs something to get over this hump," whether that is just extra time in therapy to decompress.
Breaking Points and Vulnerability
Katie: I think that breaking point was at six months where my shell broke. The persona I had and my old mentality just broke.
Tiffany: Well, in all honesty, from a therapist's perspective, that is exactly where we want to see all of our students and clients get to. There is a point where you can just check off the boxes and do the things, but we want to see the real you. That takes time. You have to hit the wall and say, "I don't know what else to do. I’m super vulnerable." That is when the real change comes.
Up to that point, was there any time you called your mom or dad and asked them to take you home? I find that some kids do that when things get hard; they blame-shift or tug on emotional heartstrings to take the focus off themselves and put it back on the parents. Did you have that experience?
Katie: When I got phone privileges, I definitely shared the hard stuff that was happening and things I wasn't enjoying or didn't feel were fair. But I don't remember saying "you need to pull me, I’m not meant to be here anymore" very often. I did feel like I didn't totally fit in with some of the girls because they were having really bad behavioral issues. I couldn't imagine myself doing that because I just wanted to leave. My mindset wasn't to refuse or run away; it was just to do the program so I could leave.
There was one point toward the end, during my Phase Four, where I hit a block. Once I reached Phase Three, I felt I was being vulnerable and genuine. I was being who I genuinely am. Then I got to Phase Four, and the staff were showing me they trusted me to keep moving toward the end of the program. But then I hit a block where it felt like I wasn't allowed to be my true, genuine self. It didn't feel fair because that is exactly what they said they wanted from me. I felt stuck between a brick wall and a hard place again. I don't think I begged my parents to pull me, but I think they were having conversations about it in the background because of how I was expressing my feelings. Our family therapist didn't deny what was happening; they saw it too.
Becky: From my perspective, there was a plateau or a stall. It was because, looking in from the outside, my daughter was just checking the boxes. She was doing what she was told to do. One of the bigger challenges for her was the residential aspect of the program- becoming part of the community and finding her role within it. I think that is where she felt, "I’m doing everything right, but they have it out for me."
It wasn't about assimilating completely, but about being an active participant. She wasn't refusing her responsibilities, but she was doing them very reluctantly. The turning point for Katie was when new people entered the program and she wanted to be a good example for them. When she stepped into a leadership role among her peers, that was where I saw her attitude change. That was what the staff wanted: for her not just to go through the motions, but to live them.
And Katie, you might not remember, but you did want to leave the program and asked me quite a bit. There were other struggles, too. You got hurt a few times- they were accidental- but you used those moments to make us feel like you weren't in the right place. There were some tactics used, but we held strong, and I think you’re happy now that we did.
Parental & Staff Support Through the Healing Process
Tiffany: Becky, how did you watch your daughter struggle through challenges and discomfort without wanting to just jump in and rescue her?
Becky: Regarding that trip we keep talking about- one of the "unsanctioned" ones- I told the program and her therapist that I was coming out whether they wanted me to or not. I just knew it was the right time. I wasn't sure if it was for me or for her, but I decided it didn't matter; my intentions were good.
To manage it, I told myself that this was just Katie’s discomfort talking. She wasn't in danger; she was safe and she needed to be there. This was the moment we had prepared for. A lot of the discussions we had going into the program- during the parent groups and family therapy- helped. The parents also have moments in therapy without their child present, where you get the therapist's perspective on what your child is struggling with. Having those "pre-briefs" helped me present a stronger front when it came time to talk to my daughter on the phone.
I also received weekly or monthly reports through the parent portal so I could see what was going well and what she was struggling with. This prepared me to hear her side, let her vent, and not overreact. I didn't want to discount her lived reality or her perceptions, so I would validate her and then typically ask, "How do you want to handle that?" It put the choice on her to figure out how to get past the hurdle. It is a real balancing act to keep yourself open without becoming overly anxious.
Tiffany: What I'm hearing is that you were very involved. You showed up for weekly sessions, heard the debriefs, and tracked her progress. You were an involved parent who knew she was safe and trusted the process. Instead of asking how you could fix it, you supported her and asked how she could fix it. As a therapist, I see that as an incredibly powerful statement. It prevents you from rescuing her and tells her, "I believe in you and care about you enough to let you solve this problem, but I am here to support you." That is a huge catalyst for change.
Katie: Absolutely. It’s so important when a kid is complaining or upset during family therapy to just say, "I hear you. I see you. I’m really sorry this is going on." Validating them makes sure they feel heard. They only get to talk to you a few times a week, and they want to know you care about what they are struggling with.
Tiffany: I love that. You both mentioned perceived reality. Some parents have a hard time validating their children if they don't agree with them or don't think what they're saying is true. But you can validate an emotion and empathize without enabling or agreeing with everything. It’s a hard line to walk, but a vital skill to learn.
Katie, did you ever feel unsafe physically or emotionally at the program?
Katie: There were times when things happening with other kids made me question what kind of people I was around. I would wonder what that person was going through that made them act out like that. Sometimes it was scary. But I knew that as long as I could control myself and my own actions, I could keep myself safe. I knew that when I chose safety, the staff were going to support that one hundred percent. They would do what it took to keep me in the mindset and the space to want to keep myself safe.
I knew my safety was good because I was choosing it. Even when unsafe stuff was going on because other kids chose it, the staff were doing whatever they could to bring those kids back. Another important part is having a therapist you really connect with; that makes you feel emotionally safe. The residential staff are people who struggle with their own things, too. Your therapist is the one who guides you emotionally and tells you when you're being unreasonable or when you have a good idea. They are your emotional safe point. The staff are handling about 60 other girls and trying to keep everyone safe, but your therapist is the professional who is on your side and ready to go at every moment.
Tiffany: So even when other students' behaviors were big and scary, you felt that as long as you chose to be safe and stayed close to your therapist, you would be fine.
Katie: Exactly.
Tiffany: How did peers and staff influence your journey otherwise?
Katie: My entry to the ranch was a little different. I came in with one other student during a "dry spell" where there hadn't been a new student for months. We were the "newbies" among girls who had been there a long time. It really helped to cling together. We decided to put our heads down, work the program, and move our way out of there instead of messing around. That connection helped me start with the right mindset.
Making connections with staff is also essential. You need to find two or three people who are in your corner. When you have 60 girls on campus, there is going to be drama. Having a handful of staff members you trust- and who trust you to be honest- is important because they can stick up for you. Because I had a different mindset than a lot of the other girls, it sometimes created drama, but I had staff I could go to who knew my truth.
Having that deep connection with my therapist made it a safe place where I could relax, joke around, or say things I couldn't say out in the community. Having those people on your side makes you feel like an individual when you otherwise feel invisible.
Tiffany: Support is incredibly important; you can't do this on your own. Having worked in residential treatment, I know there is definitely going to be drama! It can be a wild ride without that support system.
Katie: Absolutely.
Seeking Support as a Parent & Coping with Separation
Tiffany: Mom, how did you seek out your own support while going through this journey?
Becky: Part of what I did was certainly my own therapy, but I also talked to friends and family members I knew I could trust. I needed a safe place to share what I was going through without being judged, so I relied on my sister and a few close friends.
I also sought out people within my circle of acquaintances who had children in similar programs; they were very helpful. Meeting other parents through the program’s seminars was also beneficial, as it was nice to feel that others were going through similar challenges.
Another way I coped was through the outdoors. As I mentioned before, we are outdoorsy people. When I came out for parent seminars, I knew how I would feel after leaving her, so I always found time to spend in nature. Utah has so many beautiful national parks. I would extend my trips to go hiking and refresh myself. It was never a secret; my daughter knew that was how I recovered.
I think it set a good example of how to take care of yourself using the things within your control. I also believe the recreational part of the program was a safe place for Katie because it reminded her of things we did as a family, like skiing or visiting Zion. Being able to go on those trips with the staff provided a reprieve that really helped her. I modeled that behavior every time I visited; for one visit, we went to Zion, and another time we went to Bryce Canyon. She saw that was how I recharged, and I think that was good modeling for her.
Tiffany: Absolutely. I love that you talked about self-care. It is hard for a parent to do, yet essential to your own healing. You literally went out to ground yourself in the wilderness and get back in touch with nature. There is so much research on how being in nature helps regulate the nervous system and benefits mental health.
By finding that self-care, you set an amazing example for your daughter by saying, "I am going to take care of myself, and I need you to do the same." Seeking support from safe people is also key. Not everyone will understand your story or be a safe space to tell it, so finding that inner circle is vital because it can feel very lonely when your child is in residential treatment.
Becky, what was it like being apart from your daughter?
Becky: It was very tough, and it never really got easier. I think it’s important for other parents to know that it is difficult and, for me, it was a daily preoccupation. I was constantly wondering: What is she doing? How is she doing? I was always looking forward to the family therapy sessions.
Because Katie is my only child, her absence left a huge vacancy. A lot of families have other children who might have taken a back seat because the child in the program required so much energy; when that child leaves, those parents can finally focus on their other children. For me, the space was just empty. I stayed as connected as possible through letters and gifts just to let her know I was thinking of her. I never missed a family therapy session.
It never got easy, but the "hard" changed over time. At first, it was just the vacancy- the fact that she wasn't here and I had all this time I had to fill. As she progressed and I saw her doing better, my pride in her helped me through it. Toward the end, the difficulty shifted to wondering if she would stay the course and how things would go after the program. The good news is that throughout that whole time, you are being coached and helped by the staff and the therapist.
Tiffany: It makes a lot of sense that it would be harder as an only child. You were essentially dealing with an early "empty-nester" feeling.
Signs of Growth and Change
Tiffany: When did you start to notice signs of growth or change?
Becky: We’ve talked a little bit about it, but it seemed to be around the six-month mark. I don't know if it was just the timing or if her mentality finally flipped from "checking the boxes" to "doing the work." I saw her taking pride in being a leader among her peers and someone for the newer students to look up to. That gave her a sense of purpose. At that same time, she realized, "Wow, it's working. I am feeling better." It was definitely genuine.
All of that hit her between six and eight months into the program. That is where I saw the shift. The phone conversations became lighter and more positive; she talked about good things that were happening rather than things she wasn't enjoying. I saw a lot of pride in her accomplishments, like being the one trusted to distribute medicine for the cows.
Tiffany: Oh, okay. Yeah, absolutely.
Becky: As she earned more trust and responsibility, it really fueled her change. It ignited something in her, and I could see it. It showed up in her body language during our family therapy calls; you could just see she was lighter and happier. The direction of our conversations shifted to, "Look at what I got to do this week," instead of, "Look at what was taken from me" or what privilege she had lost.
Tiffany: It sounds like it went from external to internal. Rather than focusing on what was unfair in her environment, she turned inward and thought, "Look at what I’m accomplishing." She felt empowered and confident.
Katie, how about for you? What were the most helpful things that you learned?
Katie: I think one of them was boundaries. You are more than allowed to set boundaries with your peers and staff. Those are so important because that is one of the most vital skills you need when going back into the real world. In treatment, people are very careful- I wouldn't say they are walking on eggshells, but they are mindful. People in the real world aren't going to be that way.
You need to be proactive about saying, "These are my boundaries. This is what is okay and what is not okay." If someone isn't okay with that, you can walk away. I’m not going to be offended if someone can't provide what I need in a relationship. It is such an important skill to practice in treatment because you have people around you who will praise you for creating boundaries. You learn that it’s a good thing rather than a negative one.
This also applies to friendships in the program. A lot of girls need to hear that it is okay to end friendships in treatment. You can feel limited in who you can be friends with because there are only so many people around you. But it is so important to remember that if they do not have the same values or goals, it is okay to walk away. I would much rather walk away and deal with a little tension while taking leaps in my treatment than stick with someone and have to go slower. It is okay to be a little selfish in treatment because it is about you and who you want to become. Hopefully, if those people are true friends, they will accommodate your growth or they won't be upset. Treatment is about creating the best version of yourself because it is your life and your future. Learning not to dictate my life around others, but around my own goals, has helped me excel now.
Tiffany: I love that you just came full circle. In our last episode, you talked about trying to fit in, feeling lonely, and finding friends who finally included you- no matter their standards- which led to addiction. You went from not holding boundaries to a total 180. Now you know you need boundaries and that it's okay to let go of people who aren't a good influence, even in treatment. You don't have to be friends with every girl, especially the ones who are struggling.
Katie: Exactly.
Tiffany: You can support them, but you don't have to let them influence you. Learning to do what is best for you so you can be in true recovery is key.
Katie: Yeah. And I think it is so important that if you are trying to impress anyone, it should be your parents and the people in your real life- your real family- not people who are temporary, like friends in treatment. It’s important to do your best for the people who actually matter.
Tiffany: Wow. That again shows the progress you've made. Your mom mentioned in the previous episode how you left the house the day she came home from breast cancer surgery; now, you’re showing up for her. This relationship is now your top priority. That shows what incredible recovery you’ve made.
Advice for New Girls Entering an RTC
Tiffany: What would you like to tell a new girl who is starting her first week?
Katie: I would tell her that it is okay to be really emotional. No matter how much the other girls want to seem like they have it all together, every single person there has been at that point. You need to feel those emotions, or else they are going to last longer than you want them to. Even if you are coming from a bad relationship with your parents, it is okay to miss them. It is okay to want them back in your life because they were a constant. Even if you weren't on good terms, they were always there.
It is also important to know that you can lean on somebody. You need someone because addiction takes your legs out from under you. You are still growing those legs back and learning. Leaning on someone is so important. It’s okay to be the "new person" and it’s okay to be struggling, because you need to feel those things to keep moving forward. The sooner you can be genuine, vulnerable, and caring, the sooner you are going to see progress within yourself.
Tiffany: I love that. How about for you, Mom? What would you tell a parent who had just made the choice to enter their child into treatment and drop them off?
Becky: I would say to trust your decision and try to surround yourself with people who can support you during what will be some of your most difficult months. Trust your instincts. Trust the fact that you put your child in a place that is going to help them and keep them safe.
The Challenge of Change
Tiffany: This part of the process- going through treatment- is one of the most emotional, vulnerable, and hardest parts. This is where those walls are often broken down. You are left quite vulnerable. Both parents and the child have to look at themselves in the mirror- all of themselves: the good, the bad, and the ugly. You have to really ask, "What do I want to change?"
Change is hard. Your brain fights the desire to change because our brains like the path of least resistance; they like to do the easy thing. You basically have to overcome that challenge. You guys have shown an immense amount of progress in how far you’ve come, just from hearing your story in the short time I’ve been able to talk with you.
I am excited to hear in our next episode what it has been like since you left treatment and moved on. As you mentioned, Mom, that is a really scary part: What happens next? We have made a turnaround, but can we keep it? Are we going to maintain this trajectory?
Thank you again for showing up today. I look forward to hearing the rest of your story and being able to hold space for you to tell it. Thank you.
Katie: Yeah. Thank you.