Autistic Teenager Behavior and Social Norms: Helping Your Daughter Find Her Place
Autistic teen girls often struggle with friendships due to unclear social norms. Host Nate Marble and Jennifer Hedrick discuss social thinking, non-verbal cues, and the impact of social media, offering insights on how to support teens in building connections.
Understanding and supporting your daughter’s social development starts with the right tools and strategies. By focusing on sensory and emotional regulation, parents and caregivers can help autistic teens build meaningful connections. To learn more about how your daughter can receive support, call us at 855-667-9388
Introduction to Social Challenges for Neurodivergent Kids
Nate Marble: Welcome back to episode two of our podcast! I'm Nate Marble, HR Director at Discovery Ranch South, and I'm joined by Jen Hedrick, our Clinical Director and Associate Executive Director.
Today, we're diving into the social challenges faced by teenage girls with autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and other forms of neurodivergence. We'll explore why social integration can be difficult for these girls and share strategies to help them build social skills and meaningful friendships.
Just a quick reminder—this podcast isn’t a substitute for therapy. If you need professional support, we encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist.
Alright, Jen, let’s jump in. How are you today?
Jennifer Hedrick: I’m doing great, thanks!
Nate Marble: Awesome. In our last episode, we talked about recognizing neurodivergence in kids and understanding their experiences. Today, we want to go deeper into why social integration is especially challenging for teenage girls on the spectrum. What makes it so difficult for them?
Jennifer Hedrick: That’s a great question. A big part of it comes down to navigating the social world, which can already be complex, and even more so for neurodivergent individuals.
One key factor is that girls with ASD are often diagnosed later than boys—sometimes around age 12 or older. This timing is significant because middle school brings a shift in social dynamics. The “script” for social interactions changes, and many neurodivergent girls haven’t naturally picked up on it.
Another challenge is understanding and following social norms. Some of the teens I work with naturally push back against these norms, which, in some ways, can be a great trait! But at the same time, it can make social integration harder. If someone is constantly challenging unwritten social rules, they may struggle to connect with peers in a typical way.
There’s also the issue of interpreting social cues. Neurodivergent teens often process social information differently, which can lead to misunderstandings. That’s why one of the best strategies we use is helping them observe and learn social patterns—what we sometimes call "social thinking." Taking time to recognize and interpret these patterns is an important step toward building relationships.
The Importance of Social Thinking
Jennifer Hedrick: When we talk about social challenges, we often assume that neurodivergent kids struggle because they lack social skills. But that’s just the surface level. The real issue is that they haven’t developed social thinking—the ability to interpret and respond to social situations naturally.
It’s like when someone says, “Read the room.” That’s what social thinking is—understanding the social context and adjusting accordingly. Many neurodivergent kids haven’t mastered this skill, so we need to go back to the basics and help them build that foundation.
Nate Marble: That makes sense. But how do you teach them to “read the room”? That’s not something most kids consciously think about—walking into a space and analyzing the social dynamics. Are there tools you use to help with that?
Jennifer Hedrick: Yes! First, we start by looking at their sensory experience. In the first episode, we touched on how a child’s sensory processing affects their ability to engage socially.
So, before we even get to social skills, we ask:
- What’s happening in their body?
- What’s their nervous system experiencing in this environment?
- What emotions are they feeling?
- How aware are they of those sensations and emotions?
Once they have awareness of their own sensory and emotional experiences, we can move to the bigger picture—social skills and interaction.
For example, if I walk into a crowded room where lots of people are talking, I might immediately recognize that it’s overstimulating and adjust accordingly. A neurodivergent child, however, might need more time and effort just to process the sensory overload before they can even think about socializing.
A lot of what looks like a lack of social integration is really just a sign that we haven’t addressed the first step—understanding and managing their sensory experiences.
Nate Marble: That makes a lot of sense. I’ve always been kind of a geek about body language—probably because I used to be a performing arts director.
Jennifer Hedrick: Yeah.
Nate Marble: So, is this something that just doesn’t come naturally to them? Like, would they struggle to recognize when someone is mad or anxious based on body language alone?
Interpreting Non-Verbal Cues
Nate Marble: So, are there specific cues they can learn to look for? Do you actively teach them how to recognize those cues?
Jennifer Hedrick: I do think they see the cues, but the bigger question is—how are they interpreting them? That’s where the challenge lies.
Most of our communication is nonverbal—through body language, tone, and facial expressions. Neurodivergent kids often struggle with interpreting those nonverbal signals correctly. So yes, we do have to teach that skill, but a lot of the work happens behind the scenes.
For example, in therapy, I like to work in the environment where the child is actually living. Here at the ranch, I’ll sometimes observe them in their cabin, watch social interactions unfold, and then help them process what’s happening. We can make inferences together about social situations and then check if those inferences are correct.
Nate Marble: Can some kids hyperfixate on social cues? Like, instead of missing them, could they become overly focused on what someone else is doing?
Jennifer Hedrick: Oh, absolutely. Some kids will fixate on tiny details—an expression, a movement, a tone of voice—and overanalyze it. This can make social interactions even more challenging because they might misinterpret a neutral or harmless action as something negative.
Nate Marble: That makes sense. We’ve talked about how neurodivergent kids interpret other people’s cues, but what about their own cues? Are there common social signals that they give off that others might miss?
Jennifer Hedrick: Definitely, and it varies based on the child’s background and upbringing.
For example, teasing is a common way some families express affection. But a neurodivergent child might misinterpret teasing as bullying or harassment—or, on the flip side, they might not recognize when teasing has crossed a line into something harmful.
Facial expressions can also be tricky. I once worked with a girl who struggled to understand how her own facial expressions came across. I had her talk to me while looking in a mirror so she could observe her expressions in real time. Then, I’d have her guess what emotions my facial expressions were showing. She hated the exercise, but it was helpful!
The best-case scenario is when we can pause in the moment and check the facts—asking, “Hey, were you upset just now? What was going on?” This kind of real-time reflection helps them build self-awareness.
Nate Marble: So, being present with them and asking, “What’s happening for you right now?” can really help?
Jennifer Hedrick: Exactly. Another challenge neurodivergent kids face is with communication—especially in conflict situations. Some may be too passive and struggle to stand up for themselves, while others may come across as overly assertive—sometimes even aggressive—without meaning to.
And as we talk about all this, I realize that a lot of people struggle with these nuances of social interaction. The difference is that neurodivergent kids face added challenges that make social integration even more difficult.
Nate Marble: That’s a great point. Beyond reading the room and understanding social cues, what are some other challenges that teenage girls with ASD face in neurotypical environments?
Friendship Dynamics in Neurodivergent Youth
Jennifer Hedrick: Friendships can be a big challenge. Most kids want at least one friend, but navigating friendships—understanding what makes a good friend versus just an acquaintance—can be really difficult for neurodivergent kids.
And I have to bring up social media here because it complicates things even more. It creates this altered reality of what friendship looks like, but not necessarily what true friendship is. Kids may think they have strong connections online, but those relationships don’t always translate into real-life support or understanding.
That’s where parents play a crucial role. Parents can help kids learn the difference between different types of relationships—What is a close friend? What is a good friend? What is a basic friend? What is an acquaintance? What does a respectful friendship look like?
Nate Marble: Right, and also, what are those friends doing to show you they’re close friends?
Jennifer Hedrick: Exactly! That’s a key part of the education process. Friendship skills are something all kids have to learn, but neurodivergent kids often need more explicit guidance to navigate them. And with social media distorting their understanding of relationships, that guidance becomes even more critical.
Nate Marble: So, how important is it to teach these social skills early rather than later? We’ve talked about how girls with ASD are often diagnosed later than boys—does that delay make a difference?
The Role of Early Intervention in Social Skills Development
Nate Marble: If a child gets diagnosed earlier, how important is it to teach social skills early rather than later?
Jennifer Hedrick: I always come back to the idea that social skills are actually the last piece of the puzzle. Before we focus on social skills, we need to address foundational skills first:
- Sensory regulation – How do I manage my sensory experience in different environments?
- Emotional regulation – How do I recognize and regulate my emotions?
- Awareness – How do I develop self-awareness and understand how my actions impact others?
Once those are in place, then we can work on social skills. But too often, we try to teach social skills first—it's like trying to teach algebra before a child understands basic math. That’s where a lot of the frustration comes in, both for the kids and the adults trying to help them.
And after social skills, the final step is executive functioning—the ability to organize and manage life skills effectively. But again, if we try to tackle these out of order, it leads to struggles.
Nate Marble: That makes sense. I actually have a cousin who recently started questioning whether he has ASD—he’s 42 years old, and he just now decided to get evaluated. He said, “I think I’ve had ASD my whole life, but I was never diagnosed.” It made me wonder how much harder it must have been for him all those years without the right tools.
Jennifer Hedrick: Exactly. A late diagnosis can mean years of navigating the world without understanding why certain things feel harder. But even when a diagnosis comes later in life, it’s never too late to develop awareness and learn strategies that make life easier.
Nate Marble: Shifting back to friendships—we’ve talked about what makes a good friend, but how can we promote strong, healthy friendships for neurodivergent kids? How do we encourage them to build those connections?
Jennifer Hedrick: That’s a great question, and it can be challenging. I do think we’re seeing a positive shift in the neurotypical world—there’s more awareness and affirmation of neurodivergent kids, and more education around how they experience the world.
But one thing I want to highlight is how often the term “socially awkward” gets thrown around.
Challenging the Concept of 'Social Awkwardness'
Jennifer Hedrick: You’ve probably heard the term “socially awkward” before, and I know I’ve used it plenty of times myself—“Oh, that person is just kind of socially awkward.”
But when I hear that now, I always ask, according to who? Who is deciding what’s awkward?
Neurodivergent kids hear that label a lot, but the reality is, their social behaviors are only considered “awkward” because they don’t fit into the neurotypical norms of the world we live in. There’s this expectation that everyone should communicate and interact in a certain way, and if you don’t, you stand out.
So, when working with kids, the goal is to find a balance. We want to say, “Here are your strengths. Let’s capitalize on those.” And at the same time, we also want to ask, “Are there things you’re doing in social situations that aren’t getting the results you want?”
It’s not about changing who they are—it’s about helping them recognize patterns in their relationships.
For example, I’ve worked with kids who say, “I don’t have any friends.” But when we look at how they interact, we sometimes see things like:
- Not taking turns in conversation – They dominate discussions without realizing it.
- Lack of reciprocity – They struggle to engage in back-and-forth social exchanges.
- Hyper-egocentrism – They see interactions primarily from their own perspective, making it hard to connect.
- Over-caring (codependency) – On the flip side, some kids overextend themselves emotionally, taking on others’ feelings and struggles as their own.
These challenges can exist for anyone, but for neurodivergent kids, they often need explicit teaching and support to navigate them. The key is to help them understand:
"You don’t have to change who you are, but if you want friendships, let’s look at how you’re showing up in those relationships."
Translating Friendship Skills to Other Relationships
Jennifer Hedrick: I mean, ultimately, that’s what it comes down to.
Nate Marble: And that ability to navigate relationships would have to translate into other aspects of life, like work relationships, right?
Jennifer Hedrick: Yeah.
Nate Marble: Do neurodivergent kids tend to approach all relationships—friendships, work relationships, teachers, principals—the same way? Or are they able to compartmentalize and adjust their approach? Like, do they recognize, “Okay, I’m going into the principal’s office now, I need to speak differently in this setting”?
Jennifer Hedrick: Yeah, I think they can actually be really good at that. This is where the rigidity sometimes seen in neurodiverse individuals can be both a challenge and a strength. Many can create scripts, compartments, and clear black-and-white rules for themselves about how to interact in different situations. That structured way of thinking can be a helpful starting point.
And one of the biggest ways they learn these distinctions is through modeling. Ideally, the adults in their lives—parents, caregivers, teachers—are demonstrating appropriate social behavior in different settings. If a parent is constantly on their phone, for example, they’re not providing strong social modeling. Kids learn by watching.
Nate Marble: That makes sense. I was coaching a 16-year-old actor with ASD, and he explained it to me like this: “I have filing cabinets in my head.”
Jennifer Hedrick: Mm-hmm.
Nate Marble: If I gave him a coaching note, he would literally pause and say, “Hold on, let me pull that filing cabinet up.” Then he’d visualize accessing the information he needed. That was how he organized things in his mind.
Jennifer Hedrick: Totally. And that’s a great strategy! That kind of structured thinking is an effective tool early on. Over time, as they mature, they can learn to soften those rigid compartments and be more flexible in their interactions. But in the beginning? That system works really well.
The Role of Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion
Jennifer Hedrick: I think that’s great—to be able to have that structure, those scripts and rules, and then learn to adjust over time. As kids mature, their brain development helps with that flexibility.
Nate Marble: How does that process translate into positive self-image or self-esteem? As they navigate relationships and learn these skills, is self-esteem something that’s front and center in their mind, or is it more of a background concern?
Jennifer Hedrick: I think it depends on what’s valued. It really comes back to the individual. You know, the saying, “If you’ve met one person with ASD, you’ve met one person with ASD”—they’re all different.
But when we talk about self-esteem, I like to frame it in terms of self-compassion. Often, when someone struggles with self-esteem, at the core, they’re actually struggling with how compassionate they are toward themselves. So instead of just asking, “Do you have high or low self-esteem?” we should be asking, “How do you treat yourself? How do you talk to yourself?”
And some kids are able to block that out and say, “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.” Meanwhile, the adults around them might be saying, “Well, it should matter! You should care about that!” But really, it’s about their lived experience—how they actually feel about themselves, not how we think they should feel. Does that make sense?
Nate Marble: Yeah, that’s an interesting distinction. I haven’t thought of it that way before.
Jennifer Hedrick: Mm-hmm.
Nate Marble: That feels like something any parent could apply, too. My daughter, for example—she hated middle school. Instead of just focusing on her self-esteem, I could have asked, “How were you treating yourself in those moments?” That’s a different lens.
Do neurodivergent kids tend to attach their self-esteem to relationships, like neurotypical kids do? My daughter’s self-worth was very tied to the friendships she had and how those friends treated her. Do neurodivergent kids experience something similar?
Jennifer Hedrick: I think what you’re asking is, “What impacts their self-esteem?” And I’d say that’s really the teenage experience in general. A kid’s self-worth—whether they’re compassionate toward themselves or not—depends on what’s valued in their life, what’s important to them, and where they find strength.
This is where we often run into challenges with neurodivergent kids. They’re frequently told, “You should be like this. You should do things this way.” They’re constantly being asked to fit into a neurotypical mold. And when that happens, it can lead to mental health struggles—anxiety, depression, feeling like they’re inherently wrong in some way. And then, of course, those struggles impact how they feel about themselves.
Nate Marble: So, the shoulds get in the way.
Jennifer Hedrick: For sure.
Nate Marble: And really, the shoulds don’t exist.
Jennifer Hedrick: Exactly. But society has expectations—what it thinks we’re supposed to be like. And that’s where the disconnect happens.
Finding Support and Resources for Neurodivergent Families
Nate Marble: Are there other support systems that parents or kids can turn to for help in this area? If they’re struggling, where can they go? What can they do?
Jennifer Hedrick: Absolutely. The internet is a vast resource, but it can also feel overwhelming. My advice would be to start small—reach out to one trusted person first. That could be a therapist, an educator, or even another parent who has experience navigating similar challenges.
There are also some great online communities and resources. One that I’ve found particularly helpful for both my own education and for the teens I work with is Asperger Experts. It was created by a young adult on the autism spectrum who went through treatment himself. He leads the community and provides a lot of education and support.
The key is to ask questions and build a support system step by step. There are so many resources out there—therapists, educators, and educational consultants are all great starting points.
Nate Marble: That makes sense. Speaking of support, are there any therapies that have been shown to effectively help autistic or neurodivergent teens with social interaction?
Therapeutic Approaches for Social Skills Development
Nate Marble: Are there other support systems that parents or kids can turn to for help? If they’re struggling, where can they go?
Jennifer Hedrick: Absolutely. The internet offers a huge range of resources, but it can also be overwhelming. I always recommend starting small—talk to one trusted person first. That could be a therapist, an educator, or even an educational consultant.
Two resources I’ve found particularly helpful are Asperger Experts, which was created by a young adult on the autism spectrum who went through treatment himself, and various parenting resources available online. The key is to ask questions and slowly build a supportive community rather than trying to navigate everything alone.
Nate Marble: That makes sense. On that note, are there specific types of therapy that have been shown to help autistic and neurodivergent teens with social interaction?
Jennifer Hedrick: Yes. Therapy, in general, is great, but some approaches are particularly effective. One I often talk about is Social Thinking, developed by Michelle Garcia Winner. This framework helps kids understand the thought processes behind social interactions, and we use it here at the ranch as well.
Other beneficial therapies include:
- Speech Therapy – Helps teens understand body language, facial expressions, and social cues.
- Occupational Therapy – Focuses on sensory processing, helping teens regulate overstimulation or understimulation.
- Social Skills Groups – These provide a space to practice real-world interactions, though they can feel risky for some teens.
But growth always involves some level of risk, and if a teen is motivated to improve their social interactions, we encourage them to take those steps.
Nate Marble: Let’s talk more about that risk. Social groups can be overstimulating for some teens. How do you navigate that challenge?
Jennifer Hedrick: The best way to reduce the risk is by choosing a social group based on the teen’s interests. If they love Dungeons & Dragons or rock climbing, for example, joining a group centered around that activity makes socializing easier. Shared interests provide a built-in connection, which makes social interactions feel more natural and less intimidating.
Neurodivergent teens may still find socializing challenging, but starting with common ground lowers the barrier.
Nate Marble: That’s a great approach. Do you have an example of a teen who worked through social challenges successfully?
Jennifer Hedrick: Yes! I worked with a teen about a year and a half ago who was incredibly intelligent—probably smarter than me. They had airtight logic and often engaged in power struggles with staff because they could argue their way out of anything.
One day, they stole a small piece of candy while on an outing—something that wasn’t in their history. Interestingly, they ended up telling on themselves. When we talked about it, rather than focusing on whether it was "right or wrong," I asked them, "What was going on for you in that moment?"
Their response was fascinating: "It was small, so it didn’t matter." This led to a deeper discussion about moral development. They weren’t initially thinking about how their actions affected others—how it impacted their peers, the trust we had in them, or the consequences for future outings.
It took several weeks of conversations to help them understand the social impact of their choices. They were using logic but in a way that didn’t fully account for social consequences.
Nate Marble: That’s really interesting. Do autistic teens tend to see morality in black and white, or is there more of a gray area?
Jennifer Hedrick: Moral development varies for all teenagers, not just those with autism. There isn’t necessarily a connection between being on the spectrum and having a less developed moral compass. It’s more about where they are individually in their personal and social development.
Nate Marble: That makes sense. Thanks for sharing that insight.
Conclusion and Future Topics
Jennifer Hedrick: Yeah.
Nate Marble: Well, thank you, Jen. We've covered a lot today about social communication and integration, and I really appreciate your insights.
Once again, I've been talking with Jen Hedrick, the clinical director and associate executive director at Discovery Ranch South. Thanks for taking the time to share your expertise.
In our next episode, we'll be diving into some of the common challenges parents face when raising a teenage girl with ASD and other neurodivergent traits. We hope you'll join us for that discussion.
See you next time, and thanks again, Jen!