Parenting a Struggling Teen: Why We Chose Residential Treatment
In this episode of "Through Her Eyes," host Tiffany Silva Herlin talks with Emma and her mother, Rachel, about their experience with residential treatment. The episode covers the family's decision to seek help after Emma's struggles with depression and self-harm escalated. They discuss the challenges of navigating the mental health system, the crucial role of an educational consultant, and how finding the right program, like a wilderness program and Discovery Ranch South, was essential for Emma's healing and recovery.
Listen now to learn how finding the right support- and getting outside of their comfort zone- completely changed their lives. If you're a parent walking on eggshells, this story is a reminder that there's hope and help available, even when you feel like you've reached the end of your rope. Call us today at 855-667-9388 to speak with an admissions specialist and get the answers you need.
Listen To the Podcast:
Why We Chose Residential Treatment Transcript
Introduction to the Journey
Tiffany: Welcome to "Through Her Eyes," a podcast about real families navigating the brave and emotional journey of sending their daughter to residential treatment. I'm your host, Tiffany Silva Herlan, a licensed clinical social worker committed to helping families find healing even in the hardest moments.
In this series, we'll sit down with a family who made the courageous decision to enroll their daughter in Discovery Ranch South, a therapeutic residential program for girls. We'll follow their story through three powerful chapters:
- First: The decision to seek treatment- what led them to it, and why it was the right next step.
- Second: The experience inside the program- from fear and discomfort to growth and resilience.
- Third: Life after treatment- what changed, what challenges they faced, and what healing really looks like at home.
You'll hear honest reflections from both mom and her daughter, offering you a look inside the process, the pain, and ultimately, the hope. Whether you're a parent seeking answers or a professional supporting families, we hope you'll walk away with insight, courage, and connection.
Please remember that this podcast is not a substitute for therapy. Always consult a licensed mental health professional regarding your family's specific needs. Let's begin.
Thank you so much for coming to our podcast. How are you guys doing today?
Emma: Good, thank you. How are you?
Rachel: Doing well, thank you.
Tiffany: Doing good. I think it's so brave and vulnerable for parents like you and your daughter to be so willing to share your story.
Breaking the Stigma
Tiffany: What made you guys want to come on here to talk about your story?
Rachel: The two of us feel very strongly and passionately about, first and foremost, sharing our experience, especially because there's such a stigma around mental health, particularly regarding wilderness and therapeutic boarding schools and programs where kids are sent away.
Additionally, laws are changing, not always for the better, which are starting to prevent kids from getting the help they so desperately need. It was such a struggle and a climb for us to figure out how to access the necessary help. That's why we both feel strongly about sharing the journey we've been on.
Emma: Yeah, I agree with everything you said. When I graduated from treatment, I noticed I was on social media- I hadn't had a phone for almost a year and a half- and I couldn't believe how much hate, negativity, and lies were being told about treatments, wilderness programs, and therapeutic boarding schools in general. It was very upsetting to me because I came from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs, and it was very hard for me to hear what people were saying.
Tiffany: I love that you, yourself, are able to come on here and tell your story without fear. It's so great that you want to tell a different story than the loud one out there on social media, because there are so many amazing and successful stories like yours that we don't get to hear about because those other stories are so loud.
Rachel: That's what's been surprising- to see that there haven't been more positive stories. Frankly, the two of us have really tried to raise our hands to say, "Please listen to what we have to say. Please hear our story." Please hear that had we not gone through this, had she not been sent away- which was, of course, the last thing we ever wanted to do- but we were really out of options, like many other parents are. I feel very confident in saying that it's highly likely she would not be alive today had we not sent her and gone through this experience.
So, all those negative stories are very loud. And it doesn't mean that work doesn't need to be done, that programs didn't maybe need to be tightened up, that rules perhaps needed to be revisited, or that some changes needed to be made in different programs. Every program needs to be constantly reassessed and reevaluated. But it's really sad that the negative stories are the only ones being heard.
We've raised our hands many times. We've been to Washington D.C. to advocate for mental health changes and different bills to be passed. Yet, for example, we'd love for The New York Times to call us, or The Today Show to reach out to us to share this perspective instead of the constant negative perspective you hear associated with wilderness and therapeutic boarding schools and programs like that.
Tiffany: That makes sense.
Challenges of Sharing Personal Stories
Tiffany: It's not the whole side of the story.
Rachel: Correct.
Tiffany: There are always two sides. And-
Emma: I want to add that I think it's very hard when so many people are hating on something. It's very hard to raise your hand and go against what people are saying. Also, it takes a lot to get involved, and some people don't know how to. I know a lot of people who have had success stories with treatment, and it's just hard to get involved.
Tiffany: Yes. And it's a pretty vulnerable and personal story to share, so not everyone wants to, even if it was a successful and good experience for them. So again, I'm so grateful you guys are here. Let's dive into that. Tell us a little bit about your family and what brought you to the point that you knew you needed treatment.
Emma: So, I have two brothers. My one brother has a very special story. My one brother and I are five months apart. My mom asked her sister if she could be a surrogate for her, so my aunt was a surrogate for me. Surprisingly, my mom got pregnant with my brother five months after my aunt was pregnant with me. So I have a younger brother who's five months younger than me. And then four years later, my mom got pregnant again, which was a miracle, with my youngest brother.
Tiffany: I love that story. You can keep going, but I just have to say, for someone who's gone through IVF, it's just an amazing story that your mom was able to not only have you as a daughter, but her other two sons and go through that process, especially with having to face cancer. So I'm really glad you shared that. I was hoping you would. Yeah, keep going though.
Emma: As I'm sure you can imagine, my aunt's side of the family and ours are all very close. We live in the same neighborhood. She has two daughters and one son, and they're like my three other siblings. So I like to say that I have five siblings because we're all just so close.
Tiffany: I was going to ask if you're close with your aunt.
Emma: Yes.
Tiffany: That's amazing.
Emma: My aunt's my second mom. I love her so much. It's so nice and very unique, and I'm so thankful. I'm blessed that I get to grow up with a family who's so close. Even when I was going through everything, they always, no matter what, had my back. We're all pretty similar in age, so it's been nice because we've been in schools together at the same time. It's like we've always followed one another, which has been very nice.
Tiffany: That's awesome. Mom, do you want to tell us what led you to have to make the decision to finally send her to treatment?
Rachel: I would say it was about when she was going into seventh grade. Middle school years, I have found, with my third [child]- just having finished eighth grade- hallelujah!
Tiffany: Middle school is the worst.
Rachel: Rough time.
Tiffany: Let's just- yeah.
Rachel: But I have found those middle school years, for various-
Tiffany: They're rough.
Rachel: - reasons, I think are the roughest that we have experienced. Each age has its own challenges, but the middle school years were really rough. When she was in sixth grade, things had started. She had some learning differences, and they also had not been originally diagnosed. So she went without an IEP for a few years.
I think in the middle school years you start becoming more aware of how you are similar or different than your friends and your strengths, your weaknesses. And especially in middle school, maybe you look more at your weaknesses than your strengths. You're comparing yourself to other people. Social media certainly doesn't help. So going into seventh grade, I think a lot of those things for her were heightened. The learning difference really made her feel that she was... I don't even want to say not smart- I would say she felt stupid, that she was dumb, that she was certainly different than her friends and classmates, and not different in a way that she wanted to be, obviously.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: So I think that started some of it.
Tiffany: Would you tell us a little more about what brought you to the point that you needed treatment?
Struggles with Learning Differences
Emma: Yeah, so around the age of 12, or maybe a little younger, I went into middle school. Growing up, I always had very close friends; we grew up in the same neighborhood. But when we got into middle school, our school got really big, and everyone kind of branched out and developed into their own characters, in a way.
It was very hard for me. I have a learning disability; I have dyslexia, which was never originally diagnosed. So, I went into middle school without an IEP. I would be put in these small classes that people called the "SPED classes," which made me feel very stupid.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Emma: And for every test, I was taken out of the classroom to be in a small room. Which, yes, is very helpful, but when you're in a class with 25 kids, and half of them are your friends, it's very uncomfortable. A lot of kids just didn't know where I was going, and they would just assume, "Oh, she's stupid, she's just going to another room to take her test." So, I was in a public school, and it was very big and very overwhelming.
Tiffany: That's got to be so challenging. I think, especially for girls at that age, we start to create a narrative. Even if, when you have learning disabilities or ADHD, it's not that you're not smart, but you do start comparing yourself, especially in middle school. You start noticing the social differences. And when you're getting singled out like that, and people aren't quite understanding, they assume things, right? Then you start hearing that and creating that narrative like, "I'm stupid, I'm not good enough, I don't match up with my friends." And no one in middle school wants to feel left out or not included. That's, I think, the biggest fear for middle schoolers. So tell us a little bit more about that.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: And how it made you feel.
Emma: I mean, it never made me feel good, obviously. I felt like I was being picked out of certain situations, and it was very hard. Then I had this bigger friend group, and I stopped- not necessarily because I was getting taken out of these classes, but I just stopped getting invited to things, and I became very depressed. It was very hurtful to me.
Going back to my brother- because we're five months apart- we were in the same grade. So it was very hard; I compared myself a lot to him. I can actually go back and remember this moment: I was in second grade, and we were taking a spelling test, and I cheated on the test because I had no idea how to spell any words. I was so upset because I was actually caught cheating. My teacher pulled me aside- she was the nicest teacher ever- she was like, "Why did you do this?" And I was like, "I just feel like I don't know what to do." I felt so stupid. My brother was reading chapter books- little chapter books, obviously- but I just could not read them. And I just felt so, so stupid, and it was always hard for me until, I'd say, about three years ago. I knew that I just learned differently. And yes, it was very hard for me.
Rachel: I think things with your friends really started-
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: - escalating, and I think that you just didn't feel like you fit in anymore, maybe.
Emma: No, that's true. I didn't fit in.
Rachel: And then I think you were feeling so badly about yourself that between feeling stupid academically and then not feeling like you fit in with your friends, you started cutting yourself.
Emma: Yeah.
The Descent into Self-Harm
Tiffany: And it probably didn't help that you were comparing yourself to your brother, who's so close in age, right?
Emma: It's hard for me to fit in after not feeling like I was being included for a while. That trip was very hard, and I came home, and I think it was after that I started cutting.
Rachel: We knew from the trip because we got calls from the head counselor. It was through a small day camp program near where we live, and they were concerned about some of the things she was saying. She had a tendency to make very broad, big statements like, "I hate my life. I just want to die."
Tiffany: So, some parasuicidal ideation, right?
Rachel: But she wasn't really suicidal at that point. It was more like, "I hate my life, and I just don't know what to do with myself." That's really how it was. But obviously, the counselors were concerned. She came home, and we noticed a definite shift in her personality. She was definitely depressed at that point. She had already had some therapy previously in earlier years, but we called a therapist. This therapist also worked with a psychiatrist, and Emma started on some medication and began seeing the therapist weekly.
I remember at that point, we thought- I don't want to say she was "just depressed" because I don't want to phrase it like that- but we thought we were dealing with depression.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: And we didn't realize that the situation was growing bigger and bigger. We thought, "Oh, we've gotten her on some medication, and she's talking to somebody. We're going to get this under control."
I remember going to pick her up. I would drop her off at the therapy appointment and then come back an hour later to get her. The therapist said, "Can you come into the room? Emma wants to share something with you." I remember going into the room, and the therapist said that she had started cutting herself. I'm sitting there thinking, "I can't believe what I'm hearing." Little did I know how much worse things were going to get as the years and months progressed. But to me, that was a tipping point, hearing just how badly she was feeling.
The Tipping Point for Treatment
Rachel: As a parent, when you hear that your child is taking something sharp and cutting themselves- especially when you feel as a parent that you are trying to love and nurture, be supportive, and provide them with tools and resources like therapy and/or medication- you feel really lost and overwhelmed. It was a very difficult time, but I think it was one that really opened my eyes to, "Alright, this is a much bigger problem than I thought we had."
That sort of was, I think, the beginning of things really progressing. That was, I would say, September/October/November of her going into seventh grade. By the end of seventh grade, she was in such bad shape. She was really just shutting down, and the cutting was really ramping up. And I think you were sharing a lot less with your therapist.
It got to a point where that therapist said that they felt she needed to do an outpatient program- like a three-week outpatient program.
Tiffany: Intensive outpatient, yeah.
Rachel: Intensive outpatient- like an IOP or PHP program. At that point, I hadn't been aware of any of these programs, and of course, I just wanted her to get whatever help she needed. Things were so bad that she was having a really difficult time at school...
Emma: COVID was also appearing-
Rachel: COVID didn't happen until-
Emma: COVID didn't happen yet. It was just about to happen.
Rachel: But it hadn't happened yet.
Emma: It hadn't happened yet. So that was in January of 2020.
Rachel: So we pulled her out of school that week of winter break, right before it happened, because she was in such bad shape. We then got put on this six-week waiting list for her to do this outpatient program that we thought was going to be the end. "Oh, this is what she needs"- this is what they're telling us she needs- outpatient. I didn't know anything about it, and I couldn't believe that there was a six-week waiting list. I'm like, my kid is struggling- she's suffering! Like, I have to wait six weeks? By the way-
Tiffany: It's urgent- you need help now.
Rachel: We needed help now. And it was six weeks for the assessment to see if she could start the program. So we were able to get her bumped up on the list.
Early January, she and I went in for this assessment. Little did I know what it was going to turn into. Basically, we went in for the assessment- you can't take any phones, there are no devices. I'm there without my husband... and they basically start assessing her and asking her questions that, of course, I'm listening to the answers of: "How often does she cut herself?" (Which was often). "Do you have a plan- a suicidal plan?" (Yes, she wanted to jump out of a car in front of a bus). And I'm thinking, "How was I not aware of this?"
Tears are rolling down her face, and they said, "She's clearly in bad shape. She's really suffering and struggling. We don't think that an outpatient program is going to be strong enough- or enough for her. We think she- " (this particular program also had an inpatient component).
It's very challenging as a parent to know what the best steps are, what kind of help your child needs. And that's also, I think, a very big challenge and struggle with the mental health world. You take suggestions from therapists. You take suggestions from a psychiatrist on the natural trajectory of, "Okay, your child's now cutting themselves- now they're suicidal- and you go this route." And by the way, most often- it seems to be just from my own personal research- most often, those of us who have ultimately sent a child to a wilderness or a therapeutic program go through this for about two years.
Navigating Mental Health Recommendations
Rachel: You think that you're following- and you are following- what is recommended locally. And I'm not suggesting that there shouldn't be local programs and local places. But the challenge that we experienced repeatedly, and I think a lot of people who go this route experience, is that they do- so, it was recommended she be inpatient because she was suicidal and had a plan.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: And she was cutting herself. Then I'm going home, and I'm trying to rid my house of all the knives, all of the scissors, all of the medicine. And as I'm doing this, I'm thinking, "She could just break a dish if she wanted to. She could take a picture frame off the wall."
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: "And take a nail out of the wall." You feel so... you're so scared because you're trying to protect your child. But there are a million ways that they can still hurt themselves. As I said, she wanted to jump out of a car- we childproofed the car locks.
My other point is that this local trajectory, what's so frustrating is, yeah, she went inpatient, and then she did an outpatient program with them and didn't learn one skill. What did she learn? Nothing.
Tiffany: It sounds like it was a horrific experience for you because here you are struggling with suicidal ideation at this point and having a plan. And as a mom, I can understand how this feels so helpless and discouraging and just dark for you. You're in crisis, both of you. So, to put yourself in a place where you think is going to be helpful, but then end up leaving with no real tools and even trauma, it's got to be even more devastating on top of it.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: So you've had the backdrop of being in a really unhealthy place that is not helpful, versus going to a residential program that's really helped you.
Emma: Yes.
Tiffany: And was safer.
Rachel: Correct.
Tiffany: I think that's interesting for our viewers and listeners to hear about, that you have seen those two drastically different contrasts.
Rachel: Not only that, but I would add that Emma was inpatient another time after a suicide attempt. That inpatient program also was not well-structured. I think maybe she learned a little bit more, and it was a little more helpful. But then she went, following that, after she got out of inpatient and her suicide attempt. So she was inpatient for 10 nights, followed by three to four weeks of this outpatient program.
And after she got out of the outpatient program, in fact, the psychiatrist there wanted me to put her back in public school right away. And I was perplexed because this was a big part of why she was feeling so lousy about herself. The psychiatrist said, "You can't keep her at home and protect her forever." I said, "I am not planning on doing that, but I think she's pretty fragile right now. I don't think throwing her back in the lion's den at public school- which is where a lot of this is stemming from- is what she needs."
It was that kind of disconnect again, in not learning skills, that it was mind-boggling. "This is what they're recommending?" So, we brought her home, and she did some home-bound instruction, school-wise, and then COVID hit. And-
Tiffany: So, you were in the eye of the storm at this point?
Rachel: We were in the eye of the storm. And I will say, for us, COVID (I'm not minimizing the significance of COVID by any means) gave us a chance to catch our breath a little bit, not to have to be with everyone, to figure out a little bit of a plan. Everyone was on the same playing field; no one was together. She didn't feel like, "Oh, all my friends are together, and I'm not with them once again..."
Tiffany: You're not left out.
Rachel: She wasn't left out. It didn't have as much of that sense of feeling that way. And we tried to regroup a little bit, but her mental health was getting worse and worse. So we were having more and more of these scary incidents. At that point, you know, as a mother, I frankly was worried that she had run away or that she had been picked up and sex trafficked, you know, got in the car with someone. My emotions were all over the place.
We went from that... we continued that summer with COVID. She started virtual school back at public school that fall and was able to sustain that for a little bit. But again, her mental health was getting worse. We tried a new therapist, a new psychiatrist, new medications.
Emma: COVID, like my mom said, it gave us a chance to catch our breath, but it made me very isolated. I would barely leave my room. I used to have an adorable room when I was a kid, and it changed very fast. I would hang these tapestries, which, yes, are cute, but I overdid it by a million. My room became a very dark place and became my den- literally became a den to me- where I would never leave it unless I needed something, and I became extremely isolated. And-
Tiffany: Sounds like it exacerbated the problem even more.
Rachel: It did.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Emma: Yeah. And it gave me more of a chance because I was isolating myself so much. It just... it became like freedom to me because I was able to cut myself whenever I wanted to. No one was... my parents were always checking in on me, obviously, but they weren't going to- they knew how depressed I was, and they didn't want to make it worse, I'd say. I'm not phrasing that right...
Rachel: That it became- as she's saying- freedom to her.
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: Which it wasn't freedom she had- it wasn't freedom, obviously.
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: For us, it became an impossible situation of holding boundaries. And we also... it took me a while- I wish I had read The Parallel Process back then.
Tiffany: The book Parallel Process?
Rachel: The book Parallel Process. I wouldn't realize what enmeshment was. Your child's hurting so much, they're depressed, they're cutting themselves, but... when they're having a hard day and they come out of their room, and you can see that they're struggling, you're saying things like, "Hey, how about we go to Starbucks?" Because she wasn't seeing friends or doing anything. You want to give her something special to make the day a little bit nicer, but meanwhile, it's just enabling the situation, and you're not able to hold any boundaries. And then when she's threatening to go and cut herself more, or do something horrible, or attempt suicide- you can't hold any boundaries. That's always the fear that you're living with as a parent: the "what if?"
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: "What next? What else is going to happen?" And so what happens is that this relationship becomes enmeshed. You're not holding any boundaries. And ultimately what that led to as the fall progressed was I woke up one morning to wake her for virtual school. And I walked in to a stack of suicide notes that were on her bed.
Escalation of Crisis and Seeking Help
Rachel: And that's when she went for her second inpatient round. Again, we were in the height of COVID at this point. She was inpatient there for almost a week. At that point, we called an educational consultant. We obviously recognized that this situation was continuing to grow larger.
From a parent's perspective, I'm the kind of person who does deep dives. I did a lot of research; I really thoroughly investigated many things. I think, again, because there is such a stigma around wilderness and these therapeutic boarding schools, as a parent, I thought, "This is my child. My love should be part of what's going to help her heal." I felt like I was giving up. I didn't recognize at that point- again, I hadn't read The Parallel Process- I didn't know enough about these programs. And all I was hearing about the programs were scary things.
There were various reasons why I didn't want to send her away at that point. In some ways, I did want to send her away because I felt like, "How am I going to continue to do this?"
Tiffany: Yeah. It sounded like you were living in a prison, right? That's what some of my parents talk about: you're trying to control all these variables to keep your kids safe. And safety is the number one issue and focus, but you can't control it all because there are so many variables. A lot of parents I've talked to also say, "I feel like a failure at this point."
Rachel: I felt like such a failure. I did. I felt like a failure. I felt like, "I'm her mother. This is my job to keep her safe, and how can I not keep her safe?" And then you also feel this sense of responsibility and this sense of, "But I love her, so if she's home, she'll be feeling my love."
When we first even hired the educational consultant and started looking into different programs, it was wintertime. Her suicide attempt was the day after her 14th birthday, so her birthday is in November. And I thought, "Here are my ramifications for a program." I wanted them to have like, pizza on a Friday night and movie nights, creature comforts, right?
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: No parent says, "Let's send them off into the wilderness and have them learn from hard experiences."
Tiffany: We- I want them to be as uncomfortable as possible.
Rachel: Exactly.
Tiffany: But totally safe- but make 'em uncomfortable.
Rachel: No parent ever. Right?
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: And so when we first started talking about these things with the educational consultant, and-
Tiffany: Can I pause there? I think a lot of parents who get to this point, they still want them close by.
Rachel: Yes.
Tiffany: They want them in-state. They want to say, "What do we have in-state that's- "
Rachel: Yes.
Tiffany: "- I can just drive to and see them daily at?" It's too scary to send them a couple states away or even across...
Rachel: It's a very scary thing to send them.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: But on a plane, nonetheless. And this would've been a few hours from our house, and it felt manageable. It felt-
Tiffany: Sure.
Rachel: Safe. It felt safe. That's what it felt like. And the educational consultant said, "Absolutely not.” Yeah-
Tiffany: Can we pause for our viewers and listeners? Can you explain a little bit about what an educational consultant is?
Rachel: Yes. So an-
Tiffany: Sorry not to shift gears.
Rachel: Oh no, not at all.
And this was perplexing to me. We were going on a solid year of hell- hell. Inpatient, outpatient, a suicide attempt. And yet, no one had ever recommended to me either, A: that maybe she needed more and should we consider sending her away somewhere for help, or B: what an educational consultant was.
It wasn't until we had some very dear friends who live near us, whose son also had struggled, that we contacted them to say, "What do we do?" And they said, "You need an educational consultant." We said, "What's that?" We were shocked again because no one had ever recommended this to us.
So, an educational consultant has relationships and visits- not just word of mouth- with the different therapeutic programs. Many of these are national, especially in Utah, and they connect with the directors of the programs and the different therapists. They truly understand these programs because they're in constant communication and even go to visit them. They've got eyes and ears on the programs, knowing what they look like and what the best fit for your child is program-wise, because they understand the milieu- the mix of kids that are there at the moment.
For example, Emma didn't have a substance abuse problem. While you're probably always going to have a mix of kids with different issues, you don't want it to be so heavy in one area that your child's not struggling with, that it overpowers them or that sometimes these kids then develop more issues.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: And I know that's a big concern for parents: "I don't want to send them there because what if these other kids are struggling with that?" So, educational consultants- you pay them a fee- do a deep dive into getting a description of what your child's been struggling with, talking to the therapist, talking to the therapist, psychiatrist, and looking at what they've already experienced. Then they give you a proposal of what they believe will be the next best step for your child if you send them to a program.
Tiffany: They're so great to have because not only is their job to know about all these programs, which once you step into this world, it's vast and deep and wide. It's hard to know just based off a website what you're getting into, right? They also are a mediator for you.
Rachel: Yeah.
Tiffany: You're in crisis.
Rachel: Yeah.
Tiffany: You're stressed. You feel like you've done everything you can, and you're just discouraged, hopeless. You don't know where to go next. You're overwhelmed. You're in trauma yourself as a parent, and you're trying to help your kid. So they're able to step in and say, "Hey. Now that I've collected an evaluation, I've talked to all the people you need to have on board for your support team to guide us on where your daughter needs to go next. Here are these programs that I personally know, I've visited, I know the therapists at- here's what I recommend." And now you get to choose which ones you want to go to.
Rachel: Exactly. And I do want to just make a side note of saying that one of the things that's very difficult about this whole world- and when you do have to send your child away- is that unfortunately most of these programs are not covered by insurance.
So we, as parents, are not just in hell with what's going on with our child and dealing with it for a long period of time and grasping and trying to get them help locally. Then this next big step becomes (educational consultants are a range of thousands of dollars), and I do just want to say that part of the reason educational consultants are so invaluable, in addition to some of the things that we just brought up, is that many of these programs- anybody can hang a shingle up and say, "I'm a therapeutic program." That's part of what we've actually been to DC to advocate for some of the bills being passed.
So yes, you could go on as a parent and look at a website and say, "Oh, this looks nice, or this looks like it's aligned with some of the challenges that my child has," and yet you don't really know enough about the actual experiences from that program. An educational consultant, however, does. They're the ones who are going and seeing reputable programs that are participants in NATSAP or other organizations. But there are some programs that are not. So the risk that you take of not having an educational consultant is, A: going with a program that's actually not reputable. B: finding a program that is not aligned and really-
Tiffany: Not the right fit.
Rachel: Not the right fit. And it's not just about, "Yes, I need to send my child away." It's about finding the right program, the right fit, the right placement for them. And that's what educational consultants do. And sometimes they also have to advocate for your child. This child, for example, when she went to do her wilderness program, she was incredibly dysregulated and running off and needed to be put into holds and things like that. And she needed to be at a program that was able to-
Tiffany: Keep her safe.
Rachel: Keep her safe. Yeah. Yeah.
Tiffany: No, that makes total sense. And having an educational consultant- you don't have time when you're in this type of crisis to go visit all these programs and meet all the people. They get to do that for you. But it saves you time, it saves you getting placed at the wrong program. And also the financial burden that comes with this. If you get placed in the wrong program and are spending time and money there, it's ultimately going to be more expensive as you go down this road.
Rachel: Exactly.
Tiffany: So you don't want to be put in the wrong place initially.
Rachel: Yes. Yes. After we got the list- a short list from the educational consultant- and I looked at several of them, and again, it was November. And they did recommend that the best thing for her would've been a wilderness program.
The Emotional Struggle of Program Decisions
Rachel: And unfortunately, at the time, my mama's heart was not understanding enough of the importance of it and how these programs operated. All I kept thinking was, "How can I send her out into Utah in the middle of winter?"
So we found, sadly- I say sadly because this also exacerbated her situation- we found a subsidiary outpatient program. She started there in December.
Emma: I was supposed to be there for only two months, and I ended up being there for five.
Rachel: Her cutting got so out of control. She then started going through this phase of not only was she cutting herself, but she started drawing all over her body, her arms, her legs.
Emma: I was dyeing my hair every single week...
Rachel: And I would repeatedly reach out to her therapist to say, "Her cutting is out of control. She's getting worse. She's getting worse. She's getting worse." And again, as the parent, you think that your child is in this reputable program or a recommended program. This is the next step. And no one was saying to me, "Yes, she needs more. Yes, we can't meet her needs here. You need to send her somewhere." And it wasn't until five months went by that we finally said, "We're calling the educational consultant again. She needs more. She needs more..."
Tiffany: Yeah, eventually, how did you guys finally get to the right program?
Rachel: So basically, we clearly knew that she needed a lot more. I reached back out to the educational consultant, of course feeling pretty crappy, like I should have sent her in November and I didn't. And I said, "I know she needs more." They came up with another list of suggestions for us. Again, they came into it with, "Maybe it's the only thing she's going to need, but where she should start is wilderness."
At that point, I had decided that I needed to take my cues and listen to the educational consultant. I really felt that the educational consultant we got matched up with truly had a very good understanding of our situation. The things he said made a lot of sense to me. It made sense- now it made sense. And so I also started reading The Parallel Process and understanding a lot more.
So we did a deep dive, narrowed it down, I think, to two different wilderness programs, and ultimately decided on one. Part of the reason we chose the one we did- which unfortunately has since closed- was he felt that the therapist she would be working with there would be a great fit for her. So we made this decision to send her. We tried getting her on board with a very gentle approach.
Emma: They told me that someone was coming, and two people were going to come and transport me to Utah. Transport was going to come at 3:00 AM. It was very hard, and I had a very close relationship with my two brothers, so it was very hard for me to say goodbye. My mom slept with me that night, and it was very emotional. So at 3:00 AM-
Tiffany: Yeah, I can tell, because I feel like it still brings up emotion for you now. This is a pretty difficult story to share, so thank you for continuing to share this.
Emma: So the transport people said, "We can do this the hard way or we can do this the easy way. Either we could drive the four nights to Utah or we can get on the plane and take the six-hour flight." So I was like, "Do I want to be difficult or not?" And I did take the plane. We did take the plane. I was like, "Yeah, I'm not staying in this car."
Tiffany: Smart, smart girl. You sound very smart.
Emma: I knew that I was going to wilderness. I had no idea what that meant or where I would even be going. I knew that it was in Utah, but I knew nothing about Utah. We live on the East Coast, so I always loved nature. My brother and I used to- we live- there's a creek right behind my house. We always loved being outside. And I think that's one of the main reasons why my parents picked wilderness for me. So we land in Utah. It was my first time ever seeing mountains, and it was jaw-dropping. But not in that moment, though. Not in that moment. I was pissed off, to say the least, and scared, and had no idea what was going on. So we landed in Utah, and I was like, "What is this?"
Tiffany: "Where did my parents send me?"
Initial Reactions to Wilderness Program
Emma: Where am I? What is happening?
Tiffany: Can I ask, was it traumatic for you at this point? Or looking back, was being transported traumatic?
Rachel: It was traumatic.
Emma: It was very traumatic.
Rachel: She was out of control.
Emma: I was so out of control. Now looking back, yes, I can laugh about it, but in the moment...
Tiffany: Was it traumatic because of your perception of it, or because of the way people handled it?
Emma: No, the people handled it amazingly. Shout out to all of them because I could never have that job. And it was just how dysregulated I was. Everyone handled it amazingly. They were trying to comfort me, trying to ask me-
Tiffany: Gotcha.
Emma: "Do you want to talk? What can I get for you?"
Tiffany: So it sounds like you wouldn't have gone without a fight to a program. There was no way you were going to buy in-
Emma: No, even if my parents had taken me, yeah. Even if I wasn't transported there, if my parents had taken me, it would've been ten times worse.
Tiffany: Gotcha. Okay.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: Okay. So you got to wilderness, and what was the next kind of experience for you?
Emma: I had run away multiple times. And-
Rachel: Or tried to.
Emma: Or tried to, yeah. You couldn't get very far. You were in the middle of the woods.
I had this one staff member, his name is Ruben, and he'll always have such a special place in my heart. He followed me one day. He was actually called in because I had run away, and they needed another staff with me because I was running. He sat there with me and did a coping skill. I had heard about coping skills, but I never used them or heard of any good ones. The only ones I heard of were, "Oh, do some art. Oh, do this, do that." It was all very minor things.
We did this DBT skill, which is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, where we put our hands in the water. We were along a creek, and he had me put my hands in the water, and it was very cold, and grab the mud. And he was like, "Just sit here and be present with yourself for this moment. Don't think about anything. Just take three deep, big, deep breaths in and out." So I did that, and it made me a little calmer. Then he made me do what was like a square thing in the water where I did the square.
Tiffany: Okay.
Emma: Yep. And it was like, breathe in for one.
Tiffany: Yeah. Square breathing. Okay.
Emma: Square breathing. And I felt even better. And then I was able to- he was like, "Can you tell me exactly what you're feeling in this moment?" And I was like, "I'm just- I'm mad. I'm pissed at my parents. I want to go home. I miss my bed. I miss multiple people. I'm just upset." And I had never been able to pinpoint what I was actually feeling when I was so dysregulated. That was a moment that everything switched for me. And-
Tiffany: Can I jump in real quick?
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: It sounds like you were in so much pain, and there was so much emotion you didn't know what to do with, that cutting was a way to manage and control it, right? And no one had taught you sensory skills that you desperately needed to regulate your nervous system enough to get yourself grounded in order to express what you were truly feeling.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: So that sounds like such a pivotal point for you, to finally recognize, "Here are some sensory tools that my body's craving and screaming for, so that I can finally get my frontal lobe on track to tell me what's going on and how to manage these emotions."
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: That sounds amazing that he taught you those things and took that time with you. So ultimately, wilderness for you was what?
Emma: Very successful. And if my parents never sent me to wilderness, I truly think I would have killed myself and actually done it. Because I was so depressed and so dysregulated and truly just wanted to die. So yes, wilderness was amazing.
Tiffany: Can I ask you, did you want to die, or was it more, "I'm in so much pain, I don't want to be alive, I can't handle this anymore?"
Emma: I think it was both.
Tiffany: Okay. Both of those. Yeah.
Emma: Yeah. I couldn't handle anything.
Rachel: It seemed like the only way out.
Emma: Oh yeah, exactly.
Tiffany: Gotcha.
Emma: It seemed like the only way out was just to end it.
Tiffany: That makes sense.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: So-
Rachel: If I could add one thing, I will say that I think that through some of these programs they tried teaching some coping skills, not enough. But it's also very hard to reinforce those coping skills. When your kid is at home, they really do need- if they get to a certain point and are hurting so badly and are so dysregulated- they need it to be in a contained, all-encompassing environment.
Emma: You need to get out of your comfort zone. I was so comfortable at home. I had the same routine, everything, every single day. And I needed to be woken up, pretty much.
Rachel: And we couldn't challenge any of it because if we would challenge or try and reinforce, "What about trying this?" it was a door slammed in our face.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: Gotcha.
Rachel: What's she doing in there? Are we going to walk in and find her with a suicide attempt again?
Tiffany: Yeah. You were walking on eggshells. You were doing the best you could. Even if you taught her those coping skills, she wasn't going to hear it. Wilderness is a great way to shake things up and to help children get regrounded and regulated, especially if there's a lot of defiance happening. It just takes that power struggle out of it.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: So after wilderness, it sounds like that led you to Discovery Ranch South?
Emma: Yeah. So my parents picked me up from Utah, and I got a two-day visit with them.
Rachel: We had decided, we had one phone call. And because it was COVID while she was also there- it was 2021 at this point- I think some programs used to do like a ceremony.
Emma: Your parents came out for a weekend.
Rachel: Yeah, there's a family component. We did not get that opportunity. Wilderness is all about letter writing, and while it seems counterintuitive to building a relationship in terms of communication, it allows you to have boundaries. It allows you not to engage with- there's a series of letters, of course- there's the, "I hate you, I hate it here," the pleading, "If you don't pull me out of here, I'm going to kill myself. I'm never going to talk to you again. I'm going to run away..." whatever. There's a series of them, and you don't have to engage with that. You only have to answer and address- and you do address it, that is part of the therapeutic process- but you're able to also have a final say in your letter in response to that. It's not an ongoing dialogue indefinitely like a verbal conversation.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: So we actually were only able to have one phone conversation with her the entire time. The program, by the way, for any parent that is watching, I do want to also say we had a website. We had family therapy every Sunday. We were learning our own family- we were learning our own DBT and other skills that were family-based. And we also were talking to her individual therapist once a week. And that was also helping us navigate what we were putting in these letters. But then there was also a website and a portal where we could see photos of her, and there was an overview as to, "This week, this is what they were doing." And we were able to see in those photos how much she was able to grow, and slowly the smile started coming to her face. The light started coming back into her eyes, and that was very visible from those photos. It was hard, obviously, not talking to her. We had one conversation with her the entire time. It was halfway through, we had a FaceTime conversation and we- it was a conversation with her and her therapist and us to- I think we broached the idea of sending her to a therapeutic boarding school, which was recommended by her therapist and by the educational consultant (who was part of this whole process and had been following and on our therapy calls every week), so he knew exactly how she was doing. And I will say my husband and I were surprised and upset. "Gosh, she's made so much progress- she's doing so well." And they said, "You're right, she has made so much progress and she is doing so well."
Transitioning from Wilderness to Discovery Ranch South
Rachel: "But now she needs to be in a contained environment where she can practice using the skills that she's learned."
Emma: Wilderness was very, like I said, uncomfortable, and like it wasn't...
Rachel: It shook things up.
Emma: It shook, yeah. It shook things up. But it wasn't like- it was so untraditional. It wasn't like living a real life. It was not the same as any therapeutic boarding school, obviously.
Tiffany: Yeah. It's so wonderful to have, when you've done so much outpatient talk therapy, that you need something- you need an experience, you need to really shake things up. It's perfect for that. So after wilderness, then what happened?
Rachel: So after wilderness, upon hearing from her educational consultant and wilderness therapist that they recommended she needed more and that she go to a therapeutic boarding school, we got a short list from our educational consultant. I researched several of them.
Ultimately, the first school I visited, which was the one I was leaning most towards, was Discovery Ranch South. The reasons I chose that school right off the bat, and hoped I was going to have this feeling when I walked in to visit it- which I did- were several.
Number one, I liked the structure of their day. They started with exercise, and I felt that it was always a- she had just been in wilderness carrying around a 75-pound backpack, and those endorphins boosting was a really good way to start the day. I also liked that Discovery Ranch South had two tracks that eventually the kids could go on: one was recreation and one was performing arts. I also met the recreation director, who I just thought the world of, and I loved the programs he was putting together recreationally. So, knowing that she had learned how to rock climb while she was at wilderness, she could continue that. They were going to snowboard, and that's a skill that she ended up picking up and doing every Saturday. These were things that were good for her body, mind, and soul, and skills that she would continue to use in her everyday life if she would choose to.
I also really liked the fact that they had- I don't want to say a working ranch- but more or less a working ranch, where each child received their own baby cow. Knowing that animals were something that she really had an affinity towards, and would relate to, and would have to bottle feed three times a day, I felt that would really resonate with her. Additionally, they also had equine therapy, which I felt would be really beneficial to her.
The other reason that I also picked the school, aside from once I walked onto the campus and felt that it was just beautiful and clean and I liked the structure of it, was I liked how their systems worked. I liked that it didn't seem menial, and that they didn't want to penalize the girls, "Oh, you didn't accomplish this. You're not progressing, or you're not going to have these."
Emma: And they also honored the work that I did at wilderness, too.
Rachel: They did- yes.
Emma: Yes.
Rachel: So that she was able to start at a higher level after she reached, you know, a certain place with them. And I would say that was our experience completely. I also felt that they had great group therapy, and they had quarterly family therapy meetings for us that we were a part of. So...
Tiffany: That you came on campus in person? Yeah.
Rachel: That we came on campus in person.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: And I felt like you got to see her a good amount. I was concerned about how often we would be able to talk to her. I had heard or read that in some of these programs, there were hardly any phone calls and hardly any visits. And that was-
Tiffany: Not a lot of contact.
Rachel: Not a lot of contact.
Emma: At the very least, once a week.
Rachel: In fact, one of the things that Discovery Ranch did and encouraged was that she wanted to have more communication with us. And they brought up these Gizmo watches, where she could program in pre-approved numbers. So we were talking to her multiple times a day at one point. And all of the reasons we chose the program are reasons that I feel she had so much success, and that we had so much success with Discovery Ranch South.
Tiffany: And I cannot wait to have our listeners and viewers hear that story of what it was like while you were there. That's going to be coming in our next episode, so listeners, stay tuned. Is there anything you want to leave our listeners with before we end? About a parent or a child who may be-
Rachel: Struggling?
Tiffany: Getting to that breaking point of needing a residential program.
Emma: I would say, for parents, from hearing my mom's story of what she went through with me, it is very scary, to say the least. But the way that my mom saw me hurting, she could not leave me sitting there. It's important that, yes, you do your research, of course, but it's important that you get your children help. And sometimes that even means getting out of each of your comfort zones, which is very scary, yes, but the ultimate result, I feel, is going to be very positive.
Rachel: Of getting sent away.
Emma: Of getting sent away.
Rachel: Yes. And that's what I would just add- there's a part of us as parents that thinks we can fix things and we can solve the problems, and we love them and that should be enough, and you're scared to send them away, especially when you hear scary stories. I would say that our experience with wilderness and with the therapeutic boarding school that she attended was the complete opposite of any of the scary stories that we heard. In fact, my only regret is that I didn't understand it more at the time. I didn't understand that we really couldn't help her the way she needed to be helped by having her still be in our house.
Reflections on the Decision to Seek Help
Rachel: And I wish that we had made the decision sooner because it was necessary to send her away. I think we could have saved some time, aggravation, upset, and heartache had we made that decision much sooner.
Tiffany: Yeah. So it doesn't sound like out of state isn't necessarily out of reach.
Rachel: Correct.
Tiffany: It can actually offer the right environment and create safety and actually speed up the process when you're in the right program.
Rachel: Absolutely.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: You guys, thank you so much for joining us today. Stay tuned! We're going to be listening to more of your story in the next episode about what it was like when you were at Discovery Ranch South. And again, thank you for coming here and talking to us.
Rachel: Thanks.
Emma: Thank you.