Finding Hope in Treatment: Our Life During Residential Treatment
In this episode of the DRS Podcast, “Finding Hope in Treatment,” licensed clinical social worker Tiffany Silva Herlin speaks with Emma and her mother, Rachel, about their candid experiences at Discovery Ranch South. This episode explores the initial adjustments, the profound impact of unique therapeutic approaches like the calf and equine programs, and the vital role of family involvement and communication. Discover valuable insights into tailored treatment plans, developing healthy coping skills, and finding hope for lasting change.
Tune in now to hear a heartfelt, honest conversation that sheds light on the residential treatment journey. Whether you're just starting to explore options or already supporting your child through treatment, this episode offers encouragement, clarity, and real-life insight from a family who’s been there. Don't miss these powerful takeaways that can make a meaningful difference in your own path forward. Call us at 855-667-9388.
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Our Life During Residential Treatment Transcript
Introduction to Discovery Ranch South
Tiffany: Welcome back to episode two. I'm Tiffany Silva Herlan, a licensed clinical social worker. In this episode, we'll dive into life inside Discovery Ranch South. From the early days of resistance and adjustment to the powerful moments of growth and self-discovery. You'll hear from both the daughter and her mom about what it's like to be a part of it, to watch change unfold slowly, and to experience both the struggle and the strength that comes with deep emotional work.
This episode reminds us that healing isn't always pretty, but it's always possible. Let's dive in. Thank you guys so much for joining us again today.
Emma: We're so happy to be here. Thank you for having us.
Rachel: Thank you.
Tiffany: Let's talk about what your experience was at Discovery Ranch South. What was it like the first day she was there?
Emma: My first day was filled with a lot of emotions. I was so happy – I was on a high from being with my parents and seeing them because I hadn't seen them since wilderness. Then I got there and I was very upset because I was leaving them again. But I was so happy to see the animals, and see this beautiful lake they had, and the horses. It was definitely a very emotional day, with a lot of happiness, a lot of tears. Yeah.
Rachel: And I think they do–
Tiffany: So your parents got to take you there from wilderness?
Emma: Yes, they did. I actually spent– they were actually there for a good chunk of the day. They did the tour with me, and I know my mom had already seen it, but my dad had never seen it, so they did a tour with me. They even got to meet my cow. And...
Rachel: You got your buddy.
Emma: Yeah, I got my peer buddy, which is like your mentor in a way. Someone who will show you the ropes around campus and the dos and don'ts and stuff like that. Yeah.
Tiffany: How about for you, Mom? What was it like dropping your daughter off? This wasn't the first time you dropped her off, so was it different for you?
Rachel: Well, we didn't actually drop her at wilderness. So it was pretty much like the first time. But as Emma said, it was just amazing. We had these two nights together. It was very obvious that she had made a lot of changes, and she was really in a very different state of mind.
I really enjoyed my time with her those two nights, and we stayed up late talking one night. So I was sad that we had this second place she needed to go, but I also felt confident that we had made the right decision as to where we were sending her. And I continued to feel that way.
I had already toured it, but as Emma said, my husband hadn't seen it. She obviously hadn't seen Discovery Ranch. So when we all got there and we're walking around, it really is a beautiful place.
Emma: So beautiful! Yeah, like the kitchen is there, and you can go out onto this patio. The whole landscape is this huge mountain, and it's just... Every morning we would get breakfast – we had to wait outside – and I was just like, "Oh, I want to go hike that." It is just so beautiful. I didn't hike that one, but I hiked many other places in Utah.
Tiffany: And it is such a beautiful campus.
Onboarding Process and Initial Adjustments
Tiffany: I personally have been there, and it's just breathtaking, not only the surrounding environment but also the facility itself. It's just so pretty.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: Mom, what was the onboarding process like for you?
Rachel: We received a lot of good communication from the school. I was happy that I felt they took a lot of time to walk my husband, Emma, and me around the campus. Even though I had already seen it, they had not. We spent a good amount of time there.
The expectations for what would happen next were very clear in terms of that night. They do a blanket ceremony with the kids, and I would be getting photos from that. I would get photos of her when she got her baby cow – which I did. And I also got an update on how she was doing. Basically, she was doing well, but I think she was sad that she wasn't with us anymore. Obviously, it's hard starting something new; it's a new journey, a new experience. Then, to continue the onboarding, we had a conversation with her therapist a few days later, and all of that flowed well too.
Tiffany: How about for you, Emma? Were there any hard adjustments coming from wilderness to Discovery Ranch South?
Emma: Yeah, it was very different. I had been living outside for three months. I got a bed there, obviously. I think that bed will probably be my favorite because I had been sleeping on the ground for so long, I forgot what a bed felt like. I got my own little space, and I got to make my own – which was very nice.
There were rules similar to wilderness. For example, the first night we had to sleep in the hall. We brought our bed out and stuff and slept in the hall just so we could be monitored and make sure we were okay. Then we had to be at arm's length, our first level – which is Level Zero. There were five levels. So, just small things like that.
There were some other rules at the time that, from my understanding, aren't a thing anymore. For example, there were restrictions on talking. I was very confused about those rules because I'm a very talkative person, so I was like, "Why is my privilege being taken away from me?" So those were small rules that were hard to adjust to.
Tiffany: Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: Did you feel emotionally and physically safe?
Emma: Always. Yes. I think there's a misunderstanding about why people are put into holds. I think people take it more as abuse, when it's not – it's to keep you safe.
Rachel: You mean that you would be being abused.
Emma: So I ran my first week there, and–
Tiffany: Okay.
Emma: –I was put into a hold. And I was put into many holds at wilderness too, but I never took it as a way of, "Oh, they're trying to hurt me." It was like, "They're trying to keep me safe." And I think there are certain ways you can be put into a hold, and every hold that I know anyone at Aspiro or Discovery Ranch South was put into was completely taught to them. Like to-
Rachel: In a safe manner.
Emma: Like in a safe way.
Tiffany: So ultimately, even though you did have to be put in holds, you can look back and be like, "This kept me safe because I was so dysregulated and out of control."
Emma: Yes.
Rachel: Yeah.
Parental Perspectives on Safety and Communication
Tiffany: How about for you, Mom? Did you feel like she was safe at this program? Because you experienced her not being safe at an outpatient...
Rachel: Yes, I completely felt that she was safe at the program. I think when she was at wilderness, I had more concerns about her safety because it's a very vast landscape, and she was rock climbing and things of that nature. So that, to me, felt scarier, not the holds. Because I also felt that anytime she needed to be put into a hold, it was transparent. No one was hiding anything from me about what situation may have occurred.
Ironically, around November- she started at Discovery Ranch around August 1st, I think it was- around November was her first home visit. And I think you came home twice that month. She came home for her first home visit, which was right before her birthday, and then she came home again for Thanksgiving. So that was November. We had already been out to see her twice, in fact, and dropped her off. So I felt like we had a lot of eyes on her. We had regular phone conversations.
Our phone conversations, or when we talked to her therapist, that was on Zoom. So we were able to see her- not just have an actual phone conversation. But even when she came home for Thanksgiving, she sat our extended family down for her own intervention with us to say, "I don't need to be there. I don't want to stay there anymore. There are some toxic people there." At that point, I didn't feel that she wasn't safe. It was more, "What is going on, and is this going to be hurtful to her growth process?" That was my concern. I reached out to her therapist and had a conversation, and our educational consultant, about my concerns.
I felt that their answers were really valid and legitimate. "Listen, she's going to be with lots of toxic people throughout her life, and she needs to learn how to deal with those toxic people. She needs to learn how to regulate herself if she's around other toxic people." She herself wasn't being put in holds at that point, but she was watching other people being put in holds, and it just felt, I think, a little bit...
Emma: It was overwhelming, and I felt like I had made this tremendous shift. And then there were a lot of people who hadn't made that shift yet- which is totally okay- it was just like, I didn't want to go backwards, and I think I was scared of that.
Tiffany: Absolutely. And I love that you, as a mom, were able to not just react. You sought out communication, which I think is so key for our parents who have kids that are far away in residential treatment programs. If there is a concern, if there is something going on, rather than assuming and being reactive, ask, get involved.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: Be 110% in, because then you're going to know exactly what's going on, and you can see if there is progress being made, if they're being safe, if there's something you should be concerned about.
Rachel: Yes, absolutely. Yes. And we always felt- I always felt- that if I had questions and I reached out for answers to any of the staff at Discovery Ranch, there was transparency. If somebody didn't have an answer to my question, they sought one out and got right back to me. So I was always very comfortable and happy with how things were.
Emma: I just want to add too, our phone calls were never monitored or anything. I would sit in a room by myself and talk to my parents, and a lot of the time I'd be screaming- not screaming, I would be crying- and be like, "Please take me home!" But they never stopped, and they were like- my mom would then call and be like, "Why? Why is she telling me these things?" I would be able to make these calls freely and tell them what's going on, and yes, my parents might have been concerned, but then they would call and make sure everything's okay. Normally everything would be fine. I was just homesick a lot of the times too, and wanted to come home.
But my point being is that these phone calls were never recorded or monitored. I could always talk freely about anything that I wanted to, and they encouraged it too. Like I said before, my mom and I had a terrible relationship, and I think that the calls really rebuilt our relationship in a way. And I remember this one call that we had- she was telling me she went to the beach with her friends for one of their birthdays, and they got these cute shirts and stuff. It was so nice just hearing that. It was just so nice hearing something that wasn't treatment-related and just talking freely about what we're doing in our lives, and what she's doing, and what I'm doing and stuff. And it was very nice.
Empathy vs. Sympathy in Parenting
Rachel: One of the things that Discovery Ranch did very well- and thankfully for me, their timing was spot-on because I really needed this lesson- is they do a great job offering virtual workshops in addition to the quarterly parent seminars. We're always learning new things. I definitely learned a lot as a parent. In fact, part of me wonders, "Why couldn't these things have been proactively taught to us as parents before we were in this situation?"
One of the workshops was on empathy versus sympathy. It just so happened that the clinical director, Jen, had done that workshop a couple of days before we were going out to see Emma for our first family visit. My husband and I had dropped her off at the school to start August 1st. We had those two nights in between wilderness, and this visit was over Labor Day. We brought our sons, who hadn't seen her since she left in May. So, we were all going to be together.
She was able to titrate up and spend, I think, one night with us. But the first day was all of us hanging out at the school. The second day, she got to come off campus with us until nine o'clock, and then it titrated up to one night. But you can imagine it was obviously very hard for her to have all of us together and then the four of us going back to a hotel and her going back to school.
I remember our first morning there. We got there, and I was expecting that she was going to be having a hard time. We were getting ready to go out on the lake to paddleboard, and she was crying. I was hugging her, and she was just crying and crying, saying, "It's not fair. I don't want to stay here anymore. I feel like I'm doing well. I want to go home with you guys. I miss you..."
I had just learned the major difference between empathy and sympathy, and the best way to be an empathetic person was to just be. It's really hard as a parent because we want to fix things, we want to give a solution, we want to offer hope. I think some of the biggest and most helpful things I've learned were the validation sandwich- which is validating but not necessarily fixing- and being able to just be with her and hold space for her while she was having a hard time. My heart was breaking too, by the way. I wanted to sweep her up and bring her home also.
Emma: While we were sitting there, she was like, "We're here for four days. You can either sit here and cry- and that's okay if you want to do that, and I'll sit here with you. Or we have this whole day planned. You can go on the lake with your brothers, you can go horseback riding, you can do this, or this..." And I chose, "Let's have a fun day." Thank God I chose that, because it was such a fun trip, and I was very sad to see them leave, but taking the trip away with me was so special, and I think it was very special to all of us.
Tiffany: That sounds like such a healing trip and a really pivotal point for you as a family, right? Your brothers came out who you hadn't seen. Your parents were there, and as a mom, I think it's so hard when you hear your kids who are far away and you don't have direct contact with them all the time, to hear them say, "I want to go home." It's not uncommon for kids to make those phone calls and tug on your heartstrings and try to send you chasing after white rabbits so that they are: A) not under pressure- they don't have to do the work, they're not accountable- and you eventually can get them home. That's what they do.
Rachel: Yeah, that was the ultimate goal.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: "We want you home, and so this is how you're going to get to come home."
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah.
Tiffany: It's amazing that you were like, "Okay, I'm going to hold this boundary and hold space for you in empathy. And give you a choice rather than jump in and fix and solve this for you." To say, "Do you want to sit here and feel your feelings? Or would you choose to have this great time with your family?" And that's a hard place to be, but yet so incredibly life-changing for you as a family, it sounds, to shift what you were doing and do it in a better way.
Rachel: Yes.
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: It really was. I really feel that our communication drastically improved. And I also think that sometimes there were misconceptions about various things- I can't think of anything off the top of my head right away- but there were definitely misconceptions. We had to do this family overview that you did in each of the stages where she would answer questions, and we also answered questions separately, typed. Then we would go through them with her therapist on these calls. It just opened up the communication.
Navigating Boundaries and Choices
Rachel: I think probably from a parent perspective, one of the best things- and I'll be curious to hear what your thoughts were- but one of the best things that Discovery Ranch had us do, that I frankly think every teenage parent should do with their child, is "parenting decision making." You have to be open to hearing some things that may make you uncomfortable and be willing to be flexible. They had us do this prior to her getting to a certain stage, right as she was starting to get ready to graduate.
It was a list of about 40 different things, a lot of different things. Everything from, "Can she have a job? What kind of job? Who keeps the money? How does she wear her hair? Can she date? Who decides who she dates? Can she have sex?" It dove into everything. She filled it out separately, and my husband and I filled it out, and then we went through it with the therapist. Even things like, you know, which friends you were going to have.
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: And the use of social media and things of that nature. At first, I remember there was one incident and one particular friend-
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: - that she said she wanted to continue to talk to, and my husband and I were not necessarily fans of it and pushed back. And she said- do you remember what you said?
Emma: I said, "I am not the same person I was when I left. I know the difference between right and wrong, and who my true friends are. I want to make the decision that if I feel like this person is not good to be in my life, then I'll make that decision for myself. And I promise that I'll keep you guys in the loop with it, but I think it's important that I make this decision."
Rachel: And it was-
Tiffany: Wow, that's got to be powerful.
Rachel: It was so powerful. And it just really showed how much she had grown, right? We're listening to this, and we were open-minded and wanted to hear what she had to say, and we were like-
Emma: That's important too. I feel like what helped a lot is both- I think you were more open-minded than I was- because I was like, "I've had all these strict rules, like I'm coming home and it's freedom," but no. But I think it's important that the parents are very open-minded because I remember some of my friends doing it, and their parents were like, "Nope, you're doing this, and this..." and it's a strict schedule and had no flexibility at all. But I think my parents were very open to what I wanted to happen and were very flexible with me as well.
Rachel: We were open to hearing her voice and perspective because she had earned it. Because she had shown up. She had done the work. She was communicating. We didn't feel like she was lying about things. And I think that open communication- a lot of that really occurred. She wasn't naturally someone who lied, but I think there was some manipulation through the years. Teenager stuff. And...
Tiffany: Of course.
The Role of Effective Therapists
Rachel: Typical stuff. I really think that working with her amazing therapist, Amanda, helped open things up between all of us and get us all on the same page, understanding one another better, and being willing to hear the other person's voice and not coming in with preconceived ideas. I do think that was a big part of our success.
I also want to add this: Amanda, who was Emma's therapist, was amazing. I think we got very lucky with her therapist from wilderness and her therapist at Discovery Ranch. In fact, when I first visited the school, they had actually introduced me to a different therapist. I had loved everything about the school, and one of the things I also really liked was that I met with some kids who were going to the school there, and they let me talk to those kids one-on-one. So I didn't feel like it was monitored, and that they were watching what the kids were going to say or not say.
I felt like it was very genuine and authentic. They told me some good things about it, and they told me some things that they didn't love about it- nothing that was too concerning. I really liked that I was able to speak with the teens, and I also felt that they were kids Emma would connect with.
But the only thing I hadn't been thrilled about was the therapist they were planning on having Emma work with. She seemed lovely and nice, but I just didn't think she was going to be the right fit for Emma. That was just my gut instinct. So I did share that with the admissions director afterwards, and she said, "Oh, I'm so glad you brought this up. I usually make a point to tell people that this is not set in stone." I think one of the things I would really emphasize is to go with your gut, but also to question things and do your research if something doesn't feel right. But also listen to what they're sharing. I felt like my voice was always heard when I did bring things up, and I felt like I did go with my gut. In this instance, I think that she was a great fit for Emma.
Emma: Yeah. Amazing.
Tiffany: It sounds like you were 110% in again, and that there's a lot of family involvement. And again, it's not just you sending your daughter off to treatment to do therapy. It sounds like there's family therapy, support groups, education; they're working together with your family system on what needs to change so you can stop that enmeshment. And when you had questions and you wanted to speak up, it wasn't you fighting against the system; it was you working with them and saying, "Hey, as an expert on my child, I feel like this is what she needs in regards to a therapist."
Rachel: Yes.
Tiffany: And that they were able to collaborate and work with you, which is how it should be.
Rachel: Yes. I also think there's a very big difference between- and you can speak a lot more to this than I can- local therapists and therapists who have worked in the wilderness or therapeutic boarding school world. In fact, I would say that- and this is not a criticism of local therapists or taking things away from them- but I do think that once a child hits a certain point in terms of how dysregulated they are, or if they're self-harming and things like that, there has to be a shift from just talk therapy. The way her wilderness therapist talked to her, which was always very respectful, and the way her boarding school therapist talked to her- it was empathetic, but it was firm.
Emma: It was very firm. I think I had, I think, 12 therapists at home.
Rachel: Different times.
Emma: Different times, yeah. And-
Tiffany: Okay. That's quite a bit. Yeah.
Emma: Yeah. And none of them ever made me accountable for my actions. I just want to go back to wilderness for one second. My therapist in wilderness is actually still my therapist today, and I love her so much. Her name's Grace. The first time meeting her, I actually told her I was going to slit her throat because she wouldn't give me my UNO cards. I was like, "I've just been stripped away from everything, all I wanted was my UNO cards." She's like, "Okay," and she walked away from me. It wasn't that she was being rude; she was just setting a boundary with me. And I was like, "Why are you talking to me like that?" It really put me into perspective: "Okay, these are boundaries that are going to be strictly held with me, and I need to live up to that expectation." And the same at Discovery Ranch South, my therapist Amanda, did the same exact thing with me too.
Tiffany: Yeah. I think it's harder as an outpatient therapist to be able to set those really tough boundaries, right? Because you want people to come back.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: So it's a fine line to walk.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: You have a lot more ability to set those really firm boundaries in a residential treatment center because you're there and you're not going away anytime soon. Not saying that you take advantage of those boundaries, but you do need to set those boundaries in order to provide a really safe and trusting relationship ultimately.
Unique Experiences of Discovery Ranch South
Rachel: Yes.
Tiffany: Yeah. Would you tell us a little bit more about your experience at Discovery Ranch South?
Emma: Yeah. So there were three main components that, as my mom mentioned earlier, I fell in love with. The first one was the calf program. I got my cow the first day I was there, and I named her Crystal.
Tiffany: Love it.
Emma: She was the cutest cow ever, and I love her to death. I miss her, and I wish I could still see her, but...
Rachel: What was the point of having her?
Emma: The point – yeah, so the point of having her was to teach you responsibility. I had been an organized person my whole life, I would say, but it really just taught me more about taking care of myself. Having a cow is a lot of responsibility, if you can imagine. We had to muck their pens three times a day- cold, rain, or extreme heat, it didn't matter- and give them food three times a day, obviously.
Rachel: Bottle.
Emma: And yeah, at first they were bottle-fed. For the first month, I think she was bottle-fed, and then it switched to greens. But anyway, it really just taught me responsibility in that if I'm going to be taking care of this cow, then I can take care of myself. This cow is honestly harder work than taking care of myself. It's so easy to shower, you're more inside and stuff. But I had to go out no matter what.
Also, I was sick one day and you always had to assign someone to take care of your cow if you weren't going to be there. I forgot to do that one day, and I was sick and on bedrest. I got put on POH, which is "phase on hold." I was on Phase Three, so I had my jewelry and stuff, which was one of your privileges. Because I didn't assign her, I got that taken away from me. So it really did teach me a lot about responsibility. Yeah.
Rachel: And I think the cow program also, a main feature, is about attachment and learning how to bond, have healthy relationships, and let something go as well.
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: And I think that is very unique to Discovery Ranch. I don't actually know of any other therapeutic program that has something similar. I think there are other programs that might have equine therapy or animals on a ranch, but this was very specific to Discovery Ranch, and I think it was definitely one of the key components of why we chose the program.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: It is pretty unique. Their program that's a boys' program does it as well, but it's so great for helping any youth learn about attachment, like you said, responsibility, and how to maintain a relationship with something that's depending on you, right? It gives so many perspectives of what your parents might be feeling. And it's easier to connect with an animal than another person at times. There are so many aspects that are so therapeutic with the calf program. Which track did you end up choosing? Was it recreation or performing arts?
Emma: So I cannot sing for the life of me, so I definitely did not choose performing arts. But everyone that did choose that track, they absolutely loved it. I chose recreation because I have a very outdoorsy side to me. In the summers, we got to go climbing and bouldering and hiking. We even did this three-day backpacking trip- it was supposed to be four or five, I think, but we got some rain so we had to get out of there very fast. A small group of us went to Escalante, which is a part of Utah.
Tiffany: So pretty out there- I love it.
Emma: Oh, I can still picture it. I came home from the trip, I was like, "Mom, we have to get back here!" I told her exactly where we camped and everything. It was a very challenging hike, and I got hurt on it, and it just helped me again to persevere through things. It was such an amazing trip with a very small group of us. I missed wilderness a lot, so it was very nice to just be backpacking again. And getting to feel that 75-pound [pack] – it wasn't as heavy this trip because it was the whole week that we were going – but it was just amazing getting to be on that. And then...
Rachel: You got to do the snowboarding.
Emma: Yeah. And then every Saturday in the winter, we got up at 6:30, we took the van to Brian Head, and we went-
Tiffany: Which is also beautiful.
Emma: So beautiful and just amazing- definitely different from East Coast skiing. So I learned to snowboard, and then, I think it was either for my birthday or whatever, my parents got me a snowboard, which I use to this day. Those trips are just so special and so bonding. It really just taught you that you can do hard things like snowboarding. I snowboarded a few times before I went to Utah, but there were some tough times, and I became very good at it, and I still snowboard every time in the winter.
Tiffany: I was like, "Where are you living to snowboard every day? Sign me up!"
Emma: I wish it was every day. No, but it's just amazing how some of these hobbies that I got to pick up at the ranch I still keep doing to this day. Actually, I'll stop right there because I'll get into that later, but yeah...
Tiffany: I was going to say, the one thing that's great about a program like Discovery Ranch South is you're coming there with unhealthy coping skills and doing things to manage your stress and anxiety and depression and things like that, right? And rather than them just coming and saying, "Hey, you can't do any of these negative things anymore," they're now giving you not only coping skills but also letting you find other areas of growth and hobbies and things you can develop to replace this. To grow as a person, to develop your character, your talents. So when you leave, you're not only leaving with coping skills and mental health skills, you're also leaving with character-developing skills and talents.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: Which is amazing.
Emma: Yeah.
Benefits of Equine Therapy
Rachel: Yes.
Tiffany: Yeah. Would you tell us a little bit more about your experience with the equine program, and what you enjoyed about that?
Emma: Yeah. I think equine might have been my favorite. I had a very challenging group. It's group equine therapy, so it's not just one-on-one. One of my closest friends from the ranch, who I still talk to today, actually struggled a lot with equine. And it wasn't just you working with your horse; it was everyone together.
We did obstacle courses and relay races, but everyone had to work together in that group, and it was very hard at times. It just got very challenging, and you had to persevere through that as a team. There were different levels of equine. There was "grounds," where you never rode or got on top of the horse, and you fully just groomed them. There are two donkeys, Fred and Ed, who we would also take out and do some obstacles with, working with the horses. So you did multiple different things- just not riding on "grounds." And then you got into "riding" a little bit, where your group learned how to ride, and it was just so amazing. I always loved horses and just getting to be around them. You really built this special relationship with your horse.
I had three different horses while there because my first horse, Appy, I'm not experienced riding at all, and he was just too advanced for me to ride him. So then I got another horse, and he was then taken, but I built such a special relationship with him. And then my last horse was Norman, whom I actually got to ride. He was just such an amazing horse, and it was so special getting to build these relationships with these animals that most people don't think you can build with an animal, but it was just so special.
Rachel: And obviously, the point of equine therapy is your behavior- the horse is perceptive.
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: And...
Tiffany: It mirrors you.
Emma: Yes.
Rachel: It mirrors your behavior.
Emma: If you go into it sad, the horse isn't going to be like, "Alright, let's get riding!" Like, it's going to mimic you.
Rachel: So I think it teaches you more self-awareness and also how to read body language, in this instance of a horse perhaps, so that you can adapt how you're doing something. This helps you get the horse to do what you needed to do, and it makes you just more mindful and conscientious. I think it helps you see the bigger picture of yourself and how you interact with other people and how they perceive you.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: Oh, absolutely. Keep going...
Emma: I would say my biggest takeaway from equine is... so the girl that I was talking about, her horse actually had a very bad biting issue. Every time she would go somewhere, it would just nip at her. She just had a very hard time controlling it. She was so mad one day, she's like, "I can't do this, Lee!" (She was our instructor.) She's like, "I can't do this, Lee!" And Lee walked over to the whiteboard, there was like a little whiteboard in there, and she's like, "I can't do this... yet." And she made us all come over. And she made us say, "I can't do a certain thing... yet. I can't get to this next phase... yet." And it was very-
Rachel: Empowering.
Emma: Empowering, yes, very empowering.
Rachel: So much so that she actually submitted a speech for commencement, because she just graduated high school, and she actually referenced that. And reminding people that when you go off to college, you're going to feel that it's something new and you can't do it. But just remember, you can't do it... yet.
Emma: You can't do it... yet.
Tiffany: That's the amazing thing about Discovery Ranch South is the experiences, or the experiential therapy that is provided. Because as a therapist, I know you can talk about a lot of things and gain insight and knowledge and depth, but experiential therapy takes it to a whole new level.
Rachel: Yes.
Tiffany: It allows you to provide application, but also deeper insight. And like you said, the horses really do help provide feedback on how you interact in your relationships, how you affect others. It helps you develop understanding about how relationships work and building trust.
Recognizing Growth and Change
Tiffany: Yeah, it just- there's, I could go on and on about just how powerful and amazing horses are to work with, and not just horses, but like you said, the recreation program and all the other things you got to experience.
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: Emma, when did you- and this is for both of you, actually- when did you guys start to notice growth and change?
Rachel: I definitely saw growth each time we went out to see her. I think that when she came home for her first visit, especially having my family be able to see her- they hadn't seen her for so long- it was very obvious to everyone how much she had changed. And I think that was difficult for a while because we're all seeing, "Wow, she's changed, she's regulated, she seems happier, more peaceful, she doesn't seem depressed." But as her parents, we knew that there was still more work that she needed to do there. And it is very hard.
Especially, even though she's talking about- she just talked about some wonderful components of Discovery Ranch, and she met some great friends, and various other things- two things can be true at the same time. You can be having a good experience and still want to come home.
Tiffany: Absolutely.
Rachel: You can still be homesick. You can still want to be back with your family. I think she knew deep down that she still needed to do some more work there. In fact, I'll just give one quick little example. I remember when she was going on to one of the phases, and I think that they have conversations in the cabin about... they vote or something. I always got that wrong, how they did it, but the cabin votes as to whether she should advance to the next stage or something like that, or they give feedback. And I remember one of the things they had said was, and this was earlier on, that when she was upset about something, or maybe felt that one of the girls there was mad at her, she would pull back and cross her arms and just not engage with it. What they wanted her to be able to do was not make her own perception, not make her own decision and judgment over what had happened, but to be able to have a conversation and also to see some gray- of, "Oh, I might have thought this, but maybe I need to broaden my thinking."
So those were some of the things that were highlighted and brought up, and I really think that they helped her grow as a person. Now, I would say that when she went away, she did not see any gray. Any gray.
Tiffany: It was very black and white.
Rachel: Yeah, very black and white, very rigid thinking. And this whole experience really taught her to see gray, taught her to see different perspectives, taught her not to make judgments so quickly. I think she's encountered a lot of different kinds of people. But I would say we really saw a different person, I think, when she came home in November. And we just kept continuing to see growth and progress, and she went through the Discovery Ranch program more quickly, I think, than a lot of her other peers.
And that's one other thing I would like to add, which was also something that I appreciated about the program, is that they saw her for who she was. It wasn't like our typical- yes, typically most kids finish between a year, 12 to 15 months, let's just say- she graduated in eight months from Discovery Ranch. And-
Tiffany: They probably saw that she'd made that progress. And was starting...
Rachel: They saw she made progress. She started off from wilderness, I think-
Tiffany: Yep.
Rachel: - having made progress, but I appreciated that they met her where she was and that there wasn't this, "No, it's 12 months to 15 months." It was, "We're going to meet Emma where Emma is."
Emma: Yeah.
Tiffany: It was tailored to her, not cookie-cutter.
Rachel: Correct. Definitely.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: Definitely so.
Tiffany: Yeah. Emma, let me ask you a different question. How did you cope with the discomfort that you felt at times and the challenges?
Emma: I never really had a voice before treatment. I never talked about why I was upset or anything or used any coping skills. I think a big coping skill for me now is just really telling someone, and I know it doesn't really seem like a coping skill, but to me it is. Just telling someone exactly how you feel. I really found my voice at the ranch, and when I was upset, like, "Oh, I wanted to come home," I would tell... Or, if I was upset about something, I would just truly tell whoever I was upset with or why I was upset- why I was actually upset.
Tiffany: I love it, and I've actually watched you express yourself so eloquently and speak up for what you needed during this whole process as we talked, to be able to find your voice. Because it makes sense, often when you resort to cutting, it's because you're internalizing things so much and you're not really being able to express what's truly going on inside. So that is really a behavior and a symptom of not being able to express yourself. And so, being able to recognize that you have a voice and it's worthy to be heard is incredible. What was a turning point where you felt like you could finally trust the process?
Emma: I went through my phases pretty fast, and I got my Phase Four.
Milestones and Privileges in Treatment
Emma: And you got a lot of privileges at Phase Four. There was... what was that house called? The...
Rachel: Oh, the little cabin?
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: Yeah. I don't remember the name of it.
Emma: It was like a little cabin that the Phase Fours and the Phase Fives could go to. You could check off, and in Phase Four, you could go for two hours, and there was a TV in there; you could get all of your own food. And...
Rachel: There's a coffee maker.
Emma: Yeah, there's a coffee maker.
Rachel: You could keep your own snacks there and have access to them.
Tiffany: Oh, kind of a little-
Rachel: It was a big deal!
Tiffany: - privilege place. Yeah, absolutely.
Emma: It was a big deal. And even, like, you got bracelets as your phases went up, and even the bracelet got thicker. It was like, "Wow, this is amazing." And I...
Rachel: "I rock."
Emma: "I rock." Yeah. And it was a really big turning point for me because it took me the longest to get my Phase Four, and it just made me want to keep going. Because at Phase Five, you could get literally all the freedom that you wanted. You could check off whenever you wanted, you could talk to whoever you wanted, and you could check off with people, and it was very exciting. And that was my big turning point, I think.
Rachel: I just want to add one quick little thing to that. I remember also, as I said, part of the reason I chose Discovery Ranch was that I felt their phase systems were very fair. Others I had looked at, I thought, were very menial, which really concerned me. But I remembered hearing about this Phase Four when she got to it and seeing this little cabin. On the tour, I got to see it, and it had the coffee maker and the TV, as she talked about, and it also had a computer in there. And they're in there by themselves, just with their peers.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: I remember being taken aback, "There's a computer in here? What- she can go on the internet? Are you kidding me? And how is that making sure that she's okay? Who's managing this?" Because you'd go from living in a bubble in some ways, right? There's no phone. There's no social media. There's not access to a lot of things. And then as you get through the phases, I remember even her, when we went out over Christmas break- winter break- her brothers again were with us. We were in Utah, and you had earned your phone-
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: - while she was there. I think during the day, she wasn't keeping it 24/7, but she earned some phone time.
Emma: I got it for two hours at a time. Yeah.
Rachel: And I remember her younger brother, the one who's five months younger, coming to me, and he was very worried. "She's on her phone, and I'm worried, Mom, and what if she sees something that upsets her?" And I said, "I really appreciate that you're so concerned for her, but she's earned this, and the school would not give this to her if she hadn't done a lot of work and conversation around expectations of what she's going to see and who she might reach out to and things of that nature." And similarly, when I asked the question about, "You have a computer in here?" By then, to reach this phase, she had already gone through her whole phone, what photos she had on her phone, what social media sites she had been part of, what friends she had already made decisions about- which friends she was going to keep or not keep.
Tiffany: So as you guys were talking about this cabin and her earning this privilege and having access to this computer, it's so important that she goes from an environment that's so controlled, with all the variables and access to things, to eventually learning how to navigate those when she goes home.
Rachel: Yeah.
Tiffany: Yeah. And we'll talk about that in the next episode- how you prepared for her coming home and what things you did.
Academic Challenges and Support
Tiffany: But talk to us about- is there anything else you want to share about your experience at Discovery Ranch South?
Rachel: I think there were so many things the school did well. The one area that I did feel was lacking, particularly perhaps because Emma has learning differences and has dyslexia, was the academic program. I didn't feel it was structured well for her. In fact, in the eight months she was there, she only completed 25% of her year's worth of work.
Emma: Out of 100%.
Rachel: Out of 100%. That was concerning to me, but my main goal in sending her there was the therapy and the mental health component. I saw that, hands down, she learned so much, and that was my focus for her. We were able to address her academics when she graduated from Discovery Ranch; that's when we were able to figure out and put into place other systems to support her academically.
So I would say that academics were not their strength. But I would also encourage people not to be deterred if they also felt it wasn't a strength. And this is a young adult who does struggle with learning issues, yet we were still able to get her the support she needed. In fact, she just graduated from-
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: - high school and got into every single one of the colleges she wanted to go to and is going to her dream school.
Tiffany: I love- I can't wait to talk more about where you guys are at now, because I know you just graduated, and I'm so excited for you to share that story, which is incredible. And I love that programs aren't stuck where they're at. You can always encourage programs to keep developing, to keep growing. We talked off-recording about, "Yeah, you wish they had a little more parent support group options and things like that." And it doesn't mean that they can't develop that. I've worked at other programs, and we've had those discussions, and I've seen them evolve and gain those things that, as a parent, you're like, "You guys are missing this, but you're doing amazing at this."
Rachel: Yes.
Tiffany: And that's the great thing about us programs. If a program's willing to hear and to develop, then you know you're in a good program.
Rachel: You have to decide what your focus is- what your child needs. And what we needed, what she needed, was exactly what she got: amazing skills, opportunities to experience other things. You can pull those other things together after whatever you're focusing on is addressed.
Tiffany: Yeah. Tell us anything else you want to share with our listeners about Discovery Ranch South.
Unique Therapeutic Approaches
Emma: Yeah, so there are two things. The first thing is that there are so many different types of therapy, and I did a new one to me at Discovery Ranch South. It was brainspotting. At first, when I started doing it, I took it as a joke. I was like, "I'm not listening to music, and my therapist is waving a stick in front of my face." I think I actually slapped it out of her hand one time, but it really did help me, and I eventually opened up to it. It's such a unique kind of therapy that was amazing for me and helped me a lot, especially with dealing with my traumas. So that's the first thing.
The second thing was: we're all in this boat together when we're at the ranch. It was very different from being in any of the other treatments I was in because we were all monitored. If we were going to say something that was out of pocket or inappropriate, one of the staff members would step in and direct the conversation another way. But the friendships I have with these people who were at the ranch with me will probably be in my life forever. It's just so nice that when you're at the ranch, everyone's in the same boat, and everyone's going through similar but different things. It was just so nice being with people who understood you and were able to support you in a healthy way. You couldn't do drugs there or self-harm or use any unhealthy coping skills. It was just nice being in an environment where everyone understood what you were going through and everyone was in the same boat, like I said.
Tiffany: It's so powerful to have peers who are going through what you're going through. It's one thing to have your parents and a therapist be empathetic and hold space for you and validate how you're feeling. That's great and it's helpful. But it takes it to a whole new level when you have peers who are like, "Oh, I've been there, or actually I've used that manipulation tool and it doesn't work, trust me." Or call you out on things or say, "I've actually experienced something so similar that you're now going through, and those emotions..." It just helps you heal on a totally different level.
Emma: Yeah, it really does.
Tiffany: Yeah, that's such a valuable theme that you get being at a residential treatment center.
Rachel: I also think- I just want to add to that- I think Emma really was missing connections in her life.
Tiffany: Oh yeah.
Rachel: I think that she had a lot of years, when she was at home, that she didn't feel connected and didn't feel as included. And then when she was in local treatment programs, the people there were also struggling, but they were not in a contained environment. So it wasn't necessarily a healthy connection that she was making. As she even said before, one of the programs, part of why she liked being there, was because she didn't feel different and she felt included, but it wasn't in a healthy way. And then to go to Discovery Ranch, which was a healthy environment, in a contained environment, that also had a lot of fun.
Emma: Yeah.
Rachel: She was in, even though performing arts wasn't her track, she was in the shows they did where they're standing on the stage singing and dancing and doing skits...
Emma: And even for Halloween, our whole cabin voted on what we wanted to be, and we all were aliens that year. And it was so fun...
Rachel: Dressed up.
Emma: Still went trick-or-treating...
Rachel: They did that fun color run thing. They did this color run thing.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Rachel: They did a lot of fun.
Emma: They make you feel as- I don't want to use the word normal because that's not what I'm going to use- but as typical as possible while still getting the help that you need.
Trusting The Process
Tiffany: I want to ask you one last question, but as we wrap up this episode, what would you tell a new girl starting her first week at Discovery Ranch South?
Emma: I would say that the first day is always the hardest, and the first day, first week, first month might feel like a whole year. But trust the process. Lean on the people that are there. Lean on your therapists. Lean on your supervisors, and your mentors, and your cabin in general. My cabin was a family to me, and what we had was so special. Lean on the people that are there. And... just trust the process.
Tiffany: I love it. Mom, anything you want to add before we wrap up?
Rachel: I think what she said is absolutely accurate. Trust the process. I would say the same thing to the parent: Trust the process, and trust your gut. So that if there's something that's concerning you, ask, get answers to your questions. But also try and understand if there is a reason that something happened, like if they didn't get moved up for their next phase because they still feel that they need to work on this. Trust the process, trust your gut. Listen to your child, but trust the process.
Tiffany: I love it. And probably get involved as much as you can so you can understand.
Rachel: Absolutely.
Tiffany: Yeah. Thank you guys so much. It was great to hear your story of what it was like getting to residential treatment and being at Discovery Ranch South. For our listeners and viewers, in our next episode, we're going to be talking about what it's like after she's been home, and I cannot wait to hear your story because I know you just graduated. Love to share it with everybody, so stay tuned everyone. Thank you again for joining us.